Bulls Island

An entire summer gone in a blink of an eye.  In between sobs you hear the word No.  No I don't want it to be over. No this isn't how it is supposed to end.  Why does it have to end so fast.  Why did it even have to happen at all.  Was it even worth it? Because right now it doesn't seem like it was, but after going through each detail step by step with a dear friend Max, you realize it all was.  Every Second.

Take a deep breath and breathe. No more sobbing.  Life isn't over. Smile because it was All worth it.

Learning Every Day

I didn't post one time in June.  Not a single word about how I was doing or how I was feeling.  I felt like I was in a good place.  Working my butt off almost daily at my job, relying on the 2 or 3 hours of free time a day to enjoy some calm. Its hard to enjoy the calm when the calm is no where to be found.  Having my puppy Jackson has been really stressful. Now I knew it would be hard to have a puppy, countless people told me of this challenge, but I didn't realize how personally I would take people being upset with him and his actions.  When you walk into the kitchen in the morning he gets really excited to see you and comes on over to say hello, but in the process he will probably step on your feet and maybe try to pull your pants off.  He's a puppy. He's learning. But Yelling at him to get away isn't necessarily going to make it stop. 

I feel like a majority of the time people are telling him 'no' 'stop' 'quit it' 'git away' 'Jackson Stop!' and I take this really personally.  Why do I internalize other people's reactions to my dog? It makes me upset and feel bad that he is upsetting them.  I feel like he is always in the way or doing something he is not supposed to be doing so I keep him right next to me while we're home.  I close him in the living room so he doesn't bother anyone in the morning.  I keep thinking to myself how great it is going to be when I live with out roommates.  I don't want to live with roommates anymore and stress about leaving a dish out or the counter not completely wiped off.  I want to be able to set my bag down when I get home and not worry about immediately bringing it up to my room.  I really want to be able to leave my awesome and bad ass puppy in the house when I leave for work and not worry about his barking bothering anyone or him getting into someone elses stuff. 

How can you not love this amazing little man?

I have absolutely not been taking care of myself lately. All of the things that I normally do to keep me here are not happening.  I could blame it on many things, but the only thing I can blame is me. I was just home for an entire week with my WHOLE family and I didn't take advantage of it to the fullest.  I had to give myself several time outs and quiet times because I continuously was getting upset and frustrated at small things. And then I got sad. In fact, right now I am sad. I don't always want to be sad, but I am starting to believe that I will have this inside of me forever.  I can keep it piped down and hidden for a while, but then it always seems to creep back up with little option for me to control it.

My yoga teacher and friend Mark Knowles always seems to know when I am down.  He's been teaching me about all the things I have been holding inside, like how you hold resentment and relationships in your hips. My right hip is royally fucked up.  There is no other way to say it other than it super sucks.  I firmly believe that things from my past keep creeping up and setting me in the wrong direction.  Resentment is an interesting thought.  Time to start digging again.  I have to sit down nice and still and quiet and figure out what at this moment is getting to me.  I called my best friend Cassie and she asked all the right questions, I just did not have the right answers.  Looks like it is time for me to find them.

What your momma told you

Moms always say that if you don't take care of yourself you will get sick, or if you leave the house with wet hair. Well, I always wore a hat to school if I took a shower in the morning.
What I haven't been doing is taking care of myself. Over the past few days I've been at work for approximately 10 hours each day. In that ten hours I have definitely not drank enough water, put on enough sun screen, or eaten enough healthy food. I did, however, pound an amazing amount of chocolate covered almonds. Well my hair is platinum blond now and my skin is super dark, and I feel like shit.  Who gets a cold during the summer?

Take a moment

Take a moment and think about something that is making you happy right now. I smile as multiple things come rushing through my mind that make me happy. I just got off the phone with James because I was freaking out about my bank account balance.  Pretty much slim to no money in there right now. I was checking out at the vet and the total came up to be $200. Two hundred dollars? Really? Holy crap.  Jackson is having an allergic reaction to something, so along with his Parvo, Lime, and Rabies vaccine, this boy just racked up a huge bill.
I took a few days off from work recently, and since I am paid hourly now that really affected me.  I know the season is going to pick up really soon and I will be working a ton of hours, but right now it is really hitting me hard that I am so broke.  Of course, being me I started to get really upset, plan out my whole next months worth of bills and freak about my school loans that are going to start rolling in this August.
Take a deep breath.  I just happened to click on my sisters blog and it instantly made me feel so much better. Read that, it will make you feel better too.  So then I sat here and thought of something that makes me really happy. I came up with a bunch.  My great friend Patrick Ryan called me at 6 this morning while he was on his way to work and I was on my way to yoga. He knew I had been having a rough time the previous day and wanted to catch up.  Alianne Tracey dropped everything to skype with me yesterday for 45 minutes and I burnt 3 out my 4 batches of cookies during our conversation. Jackson is the most kick ass dog in the whole world. I live with these 2 amazing girls now, on a lake, in an awesome house.

Look at what great things I am being surrounded by, even just at this moment! So I am offering up my low balance in my bank account to the universe and I know it will work out. I'll get my next paycheck before my rent is due, and our summer rental will be worth every penny that I am spending on it. I will not starve to death. I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head.  I have a garden outside that I just planted and I have more than enough things to do at home to occupy my mind/time.
That was the last vet visit for an entire year hopefully. He has his rabies vaccine so we can finally go to the dog park if we want. Not that Jackson needs a fenced in area, he likes to be crazy all on his own. 
Phew I need to take three more deep breaths. I am so happy in life, I need to chill out about the money stuff!

Using Your Past

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, tucked into bed late at night, and I don't have the internet password yet, nor do I have the charger to my computer. So I decided to look through some pictures. I landed upon these amazing pictures of the camp that I worked at for 6 amazing summers. To be able to hang out with these young lives during the summer when so much learning and love is capable of happening is something that stays with you forever.

You can feel the love

There was this one boy who had a really cool A name that I want to keep in mind for when I have kids. He was Autistic, but on the “high functioning end of the spectrum” as his parents pointed out to me on the very first day of camp. He and his sister were with me for the entire 6 weeks of summer. It was interesting to me, as a studier of education/special education, a recent grad of college and still pursuing my masters, that the mom felt she absolutely needed to point out the high functioning part to me. But looking back now I am so glad that she did. So many people hear the word autistic and will automatically label someone. Boom: He's different and should be treated as such. This boy and I did a lot of hanging out that summer. We had to take some time outs along with some recentering of ourselves in front of the schedule, but boy did I learn the most from him. More than any other child that I have had at camp or taught. Memories of the two of us stick with me to this day, and I reflect on them during different situations to make sure I am being the best person I can be.

I remember one of the final days of summer when we were flying a kite on the grass just having a blast. Instead of being frustrated by the amount of questions, needed precision, and frustration, the two of us hung out and figured it out together. Making that kite fly. That is a choice you know. Patience with a small child. Especially a child who may not be able to turn something off inside and you have to hang on a little bit tighter, a little bit longer before losing your cool.

Mimo and Julian. The best of the best

When I came back for my yearly visit last summer he was in the next group up. It was hard for me to watch another counselor not have as much patience. To not spend that extra moment explaining the schedule and why we had to put on our sun screen and grab our towel in order to go to the pool before yelling at him to hurry up and get moving. That made me want to be a teacher and get in there more than ever. I stood back though.

My Jack.I still wear the bracelet he made me when he was 8

What happened to that drive of teaching? Babysitting tonight I had less patience than ever. I caught myself snapping and being upset at things that normal 5 year olds do. This boy in particular will push things to the absolute limit, so it is quite hard to not lose your cool, but where did my love go? Why can I not hang on just a little bit harder and share my love anymore. I think I am so frustrated deep inside because of this internal dilemma now about teaching. Do I still want to? Am I going to be a kayak tour guide for a long time? I am moving in with my sister Angela in Boston this winter. She asked me if I would nanny for her as she pops her fourth one out. Absolutely. Maybe this summer of kayaking will get me balanced. Will give me a chance to check in with myself. Then I will be able to reconnect this winter. I need to get in the right mind set though first I think. Self reflection get me there and memories of camp keep me strong.

Never Have I Ever...

See. Don't they look dumb?

Remember that game?  One of my favorites at parties.  It can be really fun OR really uncomfortable.  Learning things about people just by watching them take a sip of beer after a specific question, or putting a finger down because they are included in the group. Somehow that game always turns sexual, I don't recommend for the younger crowds.






Ok but to the point of this post.

Never have I ever felt like I was inspiring people.  I feel like I am inspiring myself sometimes, but other people? Thats pretty awesome. Its important to hear those kinds of things from other people, its almost like it keeps me going.  Like at a time like this.  Its Easter, I'm at my apartment alone, and I'm lonely. The same thing happened on Christmas.  Its interesting because prior to both holidays I was completely sure about being home alone, but then the time comes and I feel completely left out. Alone.
Waves of sadness pass over me.  Will this be something I struggle with my whole life? A whole month of complete happiness and then just another fresh wave flows in. Passing over me and bringing me down.

I got this awesome puppy named Jackson from my mom this week.  He rules, and as you can tell from FB, loves to sleep a lot.  He is great at following me around and just hanging out at work with me, but he also loves to chew on my legs.  I'm working on that one don't worry. He is keeping me company for sure.  I want to talk to people about being sad, but its hard. I don't want to bring other people down.  Thank God I have a job where I am appreciated now because that helps bring me up every time I drive onto Bowens Island. So, having a crappy job cannot be anywhere in the future for me.

Sending out positive energy. I got a letter in the mail from my best friend in high school letting me know that my attitude and experiences are contagious, that they bring other people up.  I like that.  What I am doing makes me so happy.  I hope someday that my sister really does open her own retreat so that I can be a life coach and make it my job to inspire other people.  What do you think? Time to go inspire myself and DO something for myself on my day off on Easter. I think I hear Folly Beach calling.

This is for all of my nerd friends from college

Two Months

My favorite affirmation that I have learned and manifest this 2013 is "I accept that I am a messenger for love".  Notice that it doesn't say a messenger OF love.  I believe this brings it a different meaning. I am not the one receiving this love, I am the messenger of it.  Bringing it from one person to another.  I love being here for my friends when they need advice.  I am trying to live by my own words too.  You know how some people will tell you awesome advice, but then they wont follow it at all themselves? I don't want to be that person. I want to be me, and exactly who I am supposed to be.

I decided at the end of 2012 that I wanted to be happy.  I told that to the universe, and I accepted my consequences of what needed to happen in order for me to be happy. The universe took my words and whispered them in the ears of others, and together it began happening.  I found my way out of an imperfect relationship that was constantly upsetting me and out of an unhealthy job that was literally making my body and mind fall apart.  Today is two months since the last day of my job. Two months since I have broken down crying at the most inappropriate times for sometimes NO reason. One full month that I have been off anti-depressants. Everyday I feel better.  I want to put it out there to the world, and out there to those who are in pain, that getting out of a bad situation is really really hard.  And it doesn't just automatically get better the day you get out.  There is honestly a healing process and a period of time in which you need to give your body to heal, to sleep extra. It was over a week before I even started to feel like myself again. And a month before I really saw the Anna Banana that I am most comfortable with coming out.

This past Saturday night at a good friends bachelorette party I saw that Anna come full force.  I was bossy and leading the pack, my main goal that everyone was having a good time and was happy with what we were doing.  I talked to a manager at the one bar, and talked to lots of strangers to make sure the bride-to-be was getting a free shot or two :) It hurt me to know that because of a silly Facebook comment her fiance was upset with me and her, and I was doing everything I could to make that right.  I hope, pray, and beg that when I am getting married and the time for my bachelorette party arises that I am not made to feel guilty, ashamed, or bad by my significant other.  It is the one day where you get to go out with all of your girl friends and have a blast.  Friends from all over getting babysitters and plane tickets to spend one special night with you. Why should you feel bad about that? Especially when it was literally a girls night and we were all just dancing and laughing together.  The threat of a strip club is a much different offense. 

Tomorrow I am leading my first tour.  I am pretty nervous.  I am also very sick right now, and slept for 13 hours last night, and woke up today still feeling pretty crappy, but I'm a Sullivan, I'll pull through.  I am going to take my sisters advice also.  I am going to imagine how awesome my tour is, and how much everyone appreciates it and learns on it.  Its gonna be an awesome tour.  And then they are going to write an amazing review about me on trip adviser.  And then I will be famous.  And they will tip me.  Lots.

Did I mention I am getting a puppy next week? I am so freaking excited I can't even explain it.

If you are unhappy with what you are doing then you need to change something.  Life is NOT about working a crappy job just to pay your loans off as fast as possible. Life is not about being miserable because you feel like you are stuck just to make ends meet. Believe in yourself. Your body is stronger than you give it credit for.