Reflecting on Me

My false perceptions of my body are an attack, Today I choose love instead of my Ego's perceptions. 


I just started on Week 3 in May Cause Miracles yesterday which is about body image.  I guess I have always been lucky in that aspect and have always been pretty small (except freshman year of college and my freshman 20 tire, but that is another story.  Damn all you can eat meals at college!). Gabby says how you can do a lot of different things that affect how much you love your body and letting your ego take over.  I thought I would share two funny stories, one of which I don't think Mary has ever known about.
To begin; in high school I had my first Victories Secret experience thanks to the fabulous Ancolie Martelly.  I decided I was a size extra small in the undies department.  God only know why.  Well, after that 5 pairs for $20, I felt awesome, and had amazing, painfully visible underwear lines to prove it. For like 2 years... Since growing up a Sullivan meant you didn't get to buy stuff very often and being the youngest of 4 girls meant you got a lot of hand-me-downs, I cherished that purchase. There was also a 7 year gap between the next oldest and I, so I didn't have any female advice and seemed to figure it all out on my own. The funny thing was those panty lines never really seemed to bother me. I'm sure I was made fun of quite a bit, but I almost don't remember really caring about those lines from my underwear.  Which leads me in to my second story.
I remember in 7th or 8th grade I was going to my school dance in the Bingo Hall (yup, gotta love Catholic school). I had on a REAL bra for maybe the first time ever (found it in Mary's drawer), I was wearing a spaghetti strapped tank top(Oh boy!), and I was wearing this blue sweater that I found in Mary's closet. The material made it so it had lots of holes is what I remember, so maybe it was kinda crocheted?? But I remember it being brilliant blue and I felt like I looked awesome for the first time ever. I had negative self-confidence back in grade school, so this was major for me.  Next thing I remember is being in a group with a bunch of 'friends' and they were all making fun of me for stuffing my bra.  (I didn't know what that meant, nor had I done it) They made fun of me so bad all night and onward for all kinds of stuff like that. And I took it pretty hard.  I was a pretty sad kid for a while, allowing my ego to take over and tell me how ugly and awful I am. I had borrowed my awesome older sister's clothes though!! How could I have not looked great?! Those girls and guys didn't seem to think so.

Looking back now though, I know those girls were jealous.  I was better at sports, I didn't have to die my hair, I wasn't smoking cigarettes, and in the end I did have friends.  I never hung out with anyone from my class, which is how I ended up finding my best friend in the world Cassandra 'Kovac' Kennedy and being loved thoroughly by her mom too.
I have always let my ego take over about how I look. Its cool to let that go though.  In May Cause Miracles, you learn to replace ego with love.  I look at myself and its just different.  I'm not judging myself.  I've never been one of those girls who grabs her (nonexistent) belly fat and complains about how she has to get rid of it. Thank God because those girls need to get over that.  It is an awful way to feel about yourself.  I've never been one of those girls to step on a scale and freak about how I need to lose one pound.  Those girls need to ditch their scales. I guess I was lucky in that department. But that doesn't meant that as far as this weeks reflections though that I am a Golden Girl.  I still have a lot of work to do.  Bring on the miracles.

And Fuck those girls from grade school.  No wonder they never left home, never made it to college, and have never experienced the awesomeness of the world. They sucked.




A response I received from a forever friend-Patrick Masterson
"I remember a time back in 6th or 7th grade when I was at a Coleman awards ceremony for one of my sisters, I think it was Sarah. I was sitting at a table doing my homework and trying my best not to be noticed by anyone. Then, out of nowhere a very outgoing and flirtatious blonde girl plops herself down next to me along with about about 50 of her books, introduces herself as "Anna Sullivan", and insists on knowing everything about me. You seemed pretty happy to learn that your brother (Andrew) and my sister (Sarah) were in the same class. You also seemed ecstatic to learn that we would be in the same class at Coleman in a few years. I didn't know what to think at the time because I had never met such an outgoing girl before, and honestly I just wanted to sit in the corner by myself and finish my homework. Low and behold, a few years later you and I are freshman classmates at Coleman where we become friends and still are to this day and I count you as one of my best and closest friends for life. So, thank you for sitting next me and doing your homework that one day in 6th grade Anna Banana. I love you!"

May Cause Miracles

There is so much that I have thought about today that I wanted to write down here. Haley and I drove back from Asheville earlier which was a 5 hour drive because of traffic. This gave us extra time to talk about our aspiration list.  We decided we are going to create an aspiration board (like my sister has) and put all of our goals on it, hopefully with pictures too.

Part of my 2013 goals is allowing myself to be more spiritual.  I always have been from a young age when I already knew that Catholicism was not my religion. Love is my religion.  I love, unconditionally, so many people and things, and will willingly do anything for so many of these people.  I "fall in love" too easily, but in fact, I have never been in love with anyone. As part of this journey, I will be learning more about other religions, and meditating.  I'm actually really excited to learn how to meditate.  I am in excruciating pain in my right knee when I sit indian style.  Therefor it will be a difficult task to begin to force myself to do so. But when I am able, I know it will be very beneficial and life altering.

Gabby Bernstein recently released a new book called May Cause Miracles. Literally is hot off the shelves, and my sister ordered me a copy.  It is a 40 day guide to miracles, and after reading the introduction and beginning of chapter 1, I am excited to start with Day 1 on Sunday, along with my sister and I think some of her friends.  You have until Sunday to join us by joining our book club on FaceBook, and of course purchasing the book which is about $15.  You may think its dumb, and its hard to get through the first bit. That is because you are scared to do something different and a bit out of the ordinary, while in reality it may be the best decision of your life. Learning more about yourself, how you came to be you, and what you really want out of life can be so satisfying, but you have to trust yourself to be able to do it. Finding your fears may only take 40 days of your life, What are you so worried about? Part of this journey will include meditating, so it will also help me with my goal. Also it will teach me to let go of fears, which I have many, and fill those spaces with love, which is the bomb-digity and exactly what I want.

I begin my new job on February 1st. What I am excited for.  I have a one month 'trial' period to make sure I can lead a tour, lift all the equipment, save someone if they fall in the water, be educational, funny, memorize my skit, organize the office, be in charge of the FaceBook/Twitter/Pinterest/ and website, and overall fit in with the small group of employees. This gives me about 2 weeks off before I start.  I will no longer be working a M-F job with 6am to 5 pm hours.  I may start work early and other times be there until after the sunsets.  Which for right now is short hours, but in July the sun is not completely down until 10. I am really excited though, and am working on finding possibly another job like bringing kids to school in the morning or tutoring.  We'll see if I need it.

I have been super stressed/freaking out about money.  I am going to fall short this month, especially since I took an extra personal day on accident and should have used a sick day instead. They skimmed 213 dollars off my paycheck for that stupid personal day, but honestly being in Philadelphia with my sister was more than worth it. Fear. Not having enough money is one of my biggest fears in life.  I hope I will be able to let that one go.

Let the Miracles Begin