A changing moment in my life.

Jackson is never angry or spiteful.

Change. That is what it is all about. Not dwelling on things. Letting them go. If I were to dwell on all of the things that have happened in my life, even the worst, then I would be going nowhere. I would be stuck in some terrible, claustrophobic life, unhappy and mad at the way things are. The only one who can make those things better is you. Hammering past occurrences that upset you are not going to suddenly make it better. They make you feel regret, one of the worst feelings. They make you feel angry and spiteful towards others.
I don't want any of that. I want sunrises. Long hikes to the tops of mountains. I want to smile with the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to be happy when I'm alone. And I can be.

I want this

I wanted to write about this so called changing moment in my life when I first started typing this. But not even I know when that moment was or is. A changing phase of my life that is quickly and surely leading me to answers. I'm watching many people right now live solemnly and quietly in their life. Admitting to a select few about their real passions, purpose, and goals. They keep it hidden from most and remain sad, lonely, or content. I refuse to do that anymore. I have been scared lately to go out and do things on my own. I have felt trapped in Charleston, trapped in my house, my body, my thinking, my job, and my decisions. I let myself get hurt this summer by things that shouldn't have hurt me. I let irrational thinking take over other more irrational happenings that I was watching right before my eyes. I'll take it as a lesson. Lesson learned. Time to move on. Narrow down what you look at online, and broaden what you look at right in front of you, all around, in the present and in the future. Time to take charge of what is now, and let go what is past.



I'm trying to decide what I actually want to do in life. Who I want to be. What I want to be.  What do I want to spend my time doing? How can I  make the most of the time that I have here, and enjoy it. Enjoy every drop of it. Smile when it rains. Walk in it anyway. Don't watch your life go by with out enjoying the small things. Laugh at them, drink them up, dance all around them. And then look at yourself in the mirror and smile, because everything is working out exactly as it should be.

Reflecting on Me

My false perceptions of my body are an attack, Today I choose love instead of my Ego's perceptions. 


I just started on Week 3 in May Cause Miracles yesterday which is about body image.  I guess I have always been lucky in that aspect and have always been pretty small (except freshman year of college and my freshman 20 tire, but that is another story.  Damn all you can eat meals at college!). Gabby says how you can do a lot of different things that affect how much you love your body and letting your ego take over.  I thought I would share two funny stories, one of which I don't think Mary has ever known about.
To begin; in high school I had my first Victories Secret experience thanks to the fabulous Ancolie Martelly.  I decided I was a size extra small in the undies department.  God only know why.  Well, after that 5 pairs for $20, I felt awesome, and had amazing, painfully visible underwear lines to prove it. For like 2 years... Since growing up a Sullivan meant you didn't get to buy stuff very often and being the youngest of 4 girls meant you got a lot of hand-me-downs, I cherished that purchase. There was also a 7 year gap between the next oldest and I, so I didn't have any female advice and seemed to figure it all out on my own. The funny thing was those panty lines never really seemed to bother me. I'm sure I was made fun of quite a bit, but I almost don't remember really caring about those lines from my underwear.  Which leads me in to my second story.
I remember in 7th or 8th grade I was going to my school dance in the Bingo Hall (yup, gotta love Catholic school). I had on a REAL bra for maybe the first time ever (found it in Mary's drawer), I was wearing a spaghetti strapped tank top(Oh boy!), and I was wearing this blue sweater that I found in Mary's closet. The material made it so it had lots of holes is what I remember, so maybe it was kinda crocheted?? But I remember it being brilliant blue and I felt like I looked awesome for the first time ever. I had negative self-confidence back in grade school, so this was major for me.  Next thing I remember is being in a group with a bunch of 'friends' and they were all making fun of me for stuffing my bra.  (I didn't know what that meant, nor had I done it) They made fun of me so bad all night and onward for all kinds of stuff like that. And I took it pretty hard.  I was a pretty sad kid for a while, allowing my ego to take over and tell me how ugly and awful I am. I had borrowed my awesome older sister's clothes though!! How could I have not looked great?! Those girls and guys didn't seem to think so.

Looking back now though, I know those girls were jealous.  I was better at sports, I didn't have to die my hair, I wasn't smoking cigarettes, and in the end I did have friends.  I never hung out with anyone from my class, which is how I ended up finding my best friend in the world Cassandra 'Kovac' Kennedy and being loved thoroughly by her mom too.
I have always let my ego take over about how I look. Its cool to let that go though.  In May Cause Miracles, you learn to replace ego with love.  I look at myself and its just different.  I'm not judging myself.  I've never been one of those girls who grabs her (nonexistent) belly fat and complains about how she has to get rid of it. Thank God because those girls need to get over that.  It is an awful way to feel about yourself.  I've never been one of those girls to step on a scale and freak about how I need to lose one pound.  Those girls need to ditch their scales. I guess I was lucky in that department. But that doesn't meant that as far as this weeks reflections though that I am a Golden Girl.  I still have a lot of work to do.  Bring on the miracles.

And Fuck those girls from grade school.  No wonder they never left home, never made it to college, and have never experienced the awesomeness of the world. They sucked.




A response I received from a forever friend-Patrick Masterson
"I remember a time back in 6th or 7th grade when I was at a Coleman awards ceremony for one of my sisters, I think it was Sarah. I was sitting at a table doing my homework and trying my best not to be noticed by anyone. Then, out of nowhere a very outgoing and flirtatious blonde girl plops herself down next to me along with about about 50 of her books, introduces herself as "Anna Sullivan", and insists on knowing everything about me. You seemed pretty happy to learn that your brother (Andrew) and my sister (Sarah) were in the same class. You also seemed ecstatic to learn that we would be in the same class at Coleman in a few years. I didn't know what to think at the time because I had never met such an outgoing girl before, and honestly I just wanted to sit in the corner by myself and finish my homework. Low and behold, a few years later you and I are freshman classmates at Coleman where we become friends and still are to this day and I count you as one of my best and closest friends for life. So, thank you for sitting next me and doing your homework that one day in 6th grade Anna Banana. I love you!"

Resigning

Resigning is actually absolutely terrifying.  I thought I would feel a  wave of relief after I hit the send button on my email, but that is not the case just yet.  It was scary typing the letter, and even scarier sending it to my boss.  It takes a lot of courage to back away from a situation like that, especially when you don't know where you are headed next.  I think I felt very comfortable knowing I was getting a nice paycheck every two weeks, had health insurance finally, and wasn't worried about having a job.  But the job itself was driving me into a depression, is that worth it? Is it worth it to be so worked up about work everyday that you are nauseous on the way there, have a hard time getting out of the car in the parking lot, and cry through out your work day?  I don't think that is worth it.  My mentality is worth more than that to me.  It is more important that I am sane enough to help other people, rather than burdening them with my sob stories

I keep asking myself why it was so bad.  Were people mean to you there? Were you bullied? Was the work load too much and you were not prepared to handle it? Were you unprepared from the start and did not realize what you were getting yourself into?  Yes to all of those questions, but on top of that, I am just not the right person for the job.  I carry other peoples emotions with me. I make it my business to try and make other people happy, and I absorb their energies in a way that can either bring me up or bring me down.  At this place there was a lot for me to take on, and I allowed to to bring me down.  Way down. Almost to a place that I was scared to try and get out of. So this has been a good step for me. To get out of this slump and make something better out of it.

It may just be the case that I will not be a teacher just yet. I'm not ready.  I will keep trying though. I will get to where I am supposed to be however that works itself out. When its my time and I am in the right place it will work out for me in all sorts of ways. In life and In love.