A changing moment in my life.

Jackson is never angry or spiteful.

Change. That is what it is all about. Not dwelling on things. Letting them go. If I were to dwell on all of the things that have happened in my life, even the worst, then I would be going nowhere. I would be stuck in some terrible, claustrophobic life, unhappy and mad at the way things are. The only one who can make those things better is you. Hammering past occurrences that upset you are not going to suddenly make it better. They make you feel regret, one of the worst feelings. They make you feel angry and spiteful towards others.
I don't want any of that. I want sunrises. Long hikes to the tops of mountains. I want to smile with the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to be happy when I'm alone. And I can be.

I want this

I wanted to write about this so called changing moment in my life when I first started typing this. But not even I know when that moment was or is. A changing phase of my life that is quickly and surely leading me to answers. I'm watching many people right now live solemnly and quietly in their life. Admitting to a select few about their real passions, purpose, and goals. They keep it hidden from most and remain sad, lonely, or content. I refuse to do that anymore. I have been scared lately to go out and do things on my own. I have felt trapped in Charleston, trapped in my house, my body, my thinking, my job, and my decisions. I let myself get hurt this summer by things that shouldn't have hurt me. I let irrational thinking take over other more irrational happenings that I was watching right before my eyes. I'll take it as a lesson. Lesson learned. Time to move on. Narrow down what you look at online, and broaden what you look at right in front of you, all around, in the present and in the future. Time to take charge of what is now, and let go what is past.



I'm trying to decide what I actually want to do in life. Who I want to be. What I want to be.  What do I want to spend my time doing? How can I  make the most of the time that I have here, and enjoy it. Enjoy every drop of it. Smile when it rains. Walk in it anyway. Don't watch your life go by with out enjoying the small things. Laugh at them, drink them up, dance all around them. And then look at yourself in the mirror and smile, because everything is working out exactly as it should be.

Resigning

Resigning is actually absolutely terrifying.  I thought I would feel a  wave of relief after I hit the send button on my email, but that is not the case just yet.  It was scary typing the letter, and even scarier sending it to my boss.  It takes a lot of courage to back away from a situation like that, especially when you don't know where you are headed next.  I think I felt very comfortable knowing I was getting a nice paycheck every two weeks, had health insurance finally, and wasn't worried about having a job.  But the job itself was driving me into a depression, is that worth it? Is it worth it to be so worked up about work everyday that you are nauseous on the way there, have a hard time getting out of the car in the parking lot, and cry through out your work day?  I don't think that is worth it.  My mentality is worth more than that to me.  It is more important that I am sane enough to help other people, rather than burdening them with my sob stories

I keep asking myself why it was so bad.  Were people mean to you there? Were you bullied? Was the work load too much and you were not prepared to handle it? Were you unprepared from the start and did not realize what you were getting yourself into?  Yes to all of those questions, but on top of that, I am just not the right person for the job.  I carry other peoples emotions with me. I make it my business to try and make other people happy, and I absorb their energies in a way that can either bring me up or bring me down.  At this place there was a lot for me to take on, and I allowed to to bring me down.  Way down. Almost to a place that I was scared to try and get out of. So this has been a good step for me. To get out of this slump and make something better out of it.

It may just be the case that I will not be a teacher just yet. I'm not ready.  I will keep trying though. I will get to where I am supposed to be however that works itself out. When its my time and I am in the right place it will work out for me in all sorts of ways. In life and In love.