The Right One

 When I was in Saugerties after leaving Charleston, and on my way to Boston, I said to myself and to others "This is the last time I am doing this.  The last time I am moving somewhere temporarily and uprooting myself, my things, and my happiness." I promised myself continuously as I sat solemnly in my childhood bedroom that the next place I would move, after Boston, would be somewhere more permanent. I had also promised myself over a month before that I would be moving on and pursuing something. I didn't and still don't know what that something is, but I would be pursuing it.
Well, it has been over a month now that I have been home, and since moved to Boston.  I like it here, sorta.  Its freezing and I hate being cold, so that doesn't help. And the traffic is insane. I bet if it was warmer out then I would probably like it a bit more, but its not warm and wont be for a few months.
November though March here, and then back to Charleston to finish what I started at COA. I don't want to keep moving. I don't. Maybe Charleston will be my last, but who knows. There are bigger problems stewing that are hurting my soul. Hurting it so bad that I feel like I don't live in this body.

"Do you really want to be with someone that is living a lie?  You are better than that." 
- James K.


How do I allow myself to be sucked back into this trap time after time again? It seems so repetitive and silly, yet here I am. It makes me take a harder look on the way that I judge people. People who overeat, or do drugs, or drink to much. I am constantly judging them, but here I am doing the same thing, I just don't wear it on the outside. I keep it very hidden and can often times put it on the back burner while hiding inside.
Do I push through and continue on to the next perfect one or do I try to fix myself, learn from my mistakes and do something better with my choices. I am looking at these life lessons over and over and not learning from them, making the same mistakes. Yet I am looking in all the wrong places at all the wrong men. I need to find the 'right one' not the perfect one. But before that I need to look at myself and my choices.  Learn to love myself, and then perhaps it will all come together. Boston is my time to step back and take a look at myself. I have 3 full months before my return to Charleston. 3 months of finding me, who I am, and who the right one really is.

Take a step back

Let me take a step back for a second.  So I was working my butt off in Charleston all summer, knowing that I was moving to Boston the beginning of November. I packed up my stuff to put into a Uhaul when I moved from my sweet bedroom upstairs to the dining room downstairs for a month so that the new girl could move in early.  The dining room wasn't really so bad. For the most part I had the whole downstairs to myself since everyone spent a lot of time in their rooms upstairs.  I spent a lot of time taking Jackson on walks and sitting on our dock.  I took him to the beach early in the morning so we could watch the sun come up.

This recent Saturday I had a total meltdown.  I had a few smaller ones leading up to it over the course of two weeks, but this was a big one.

My last evenings on the boat.

 I've been so sad and have been having such a hard time letting things from my past go.  I hold them all inside of me and let them weigh me down, so frustrating.  Then I get mad, angry, frustrated, and upset with myself because I am sad, which of course makes things worse.
Starting my journey now on being truly happy. Or finding what it really is that I am looking for.  Make myself happy, and then I can let someone else into my life. For now it is just Jackson and I. I kind of like it. He certainly does.




I want to be brave. I miss my sunrises. I miss the warmth on my skin. I love the way the sky changes colors when the sun moves through it. It sends so many amazing messages about change, continual growth, and not settling for the small things. 

Happiness

I know it has been a while, and I have missed writing. I always think about how much I like to write, and then for the last two months I made conscious decisions not to. Why? I was doing things that made me happy instead. But were they actually making me happy?
Since late August I have had some of the best, most heartfelt, and wonderful times of my life.  And living in those moments for long hours past helped me put aside many things and push the rest to a distant back burner. Sadly, I was allowing my happiness to depend on someone else, which was truly amazing. But what comes out of all that is the realization that I truly need to be happy with myself before I can allow someone else in.  I was caught up and swept off my feet in this wonderful place, somewhere that I would love to go back to, but not before I take care of myself. I need to be able to be happy even when I am alone. Alone. I need to be able to be alone. Its hard even just to write that.
I couldn't be more grateful for my friends.  I have had to put a lot of trust in some of my closest friends this week, dumping my soul onto them while I was crashing. Apparently I was storing a lot inside that all decided to come flooding out over the past week or two, since I left Charleston.  Leaving helps you realize a lot. I realized how much I really care about someone and want them to be a part of my life. I realized how much I loved the house I was living in. I also realized how much I really like the island that I work on, that place is such a safe zone for me.
I know it will be hard for me to get my shit together. It always will be hard, but I know I need to work on it. I keep that in the foreground at all times. If someone or something is hurting you, then you need to let it go. I am letting go the people or things that make me unhappy, its not worth it. I don't want to waste the energy I have thinking about things I can't control or are not something I should be trying to control. I want this pain in my chest to go away. It make my shoulders tense and so hard to breathe.
The hardest thing is realizing that I left a part of me in Charleston. I gave it away without knowing if it will be properly taken care of or if it will be tossed away. Healing takes time, but I have a lot of that here in Boston. All the time in the world for the next 4 or so months.
I know my words are totally scattered. There is a lot that I want to put down, but for now vague is how it will be.
I want to keep my journey. I want to write about it so I can come back, look, and see how I have changed since early November. Emotionally, Mentally, even Physically.
Early November:
Physically in great shape. Eating well, lots of yoga.
Mentally in a good place, know where I am heading and what I am about to take on.
Emotionally a wreck. Total meltdown/breakdowns without warning. Support system being utilized fully, but emotionally alone can't hold myself together for anything. Having a very hard time being alone. Haven't gone 24 hours without crying.
Month 1 

Goals

I want to set goals.  Actual Goals. Attainable realistic goals that I will pursue wholeheartedly.

Dawn from my dock with ducks

I am going to start with the sunrise.  I want to, everyday, as soon as I get up, walk outside onto my dock with Jackson and look out at the sun coming up from the East.  Take a breath and just stand there without thinking about my day or past days.

Along side of that, I want to meditate. Thanks to my sister, I now have a hands on meditation guide to start me off this week.  She asked me to do it every day for this entire upcoming week, so this will be a good jump start to my goal of meditating at least 3 times per week, but I would like that to increase as time goes on.



I started the Whole Life Challenge on Saturday, and I would really like to excel at it.  Right now both of my sisters are kicking my butt, but I would like to really make a conscious decision to follow the rules and get lots of points. Only 52 more days.

See, I'm making progress

Yoga has been so great for me.  I know it was a past goal, and I have done well at it. Done well at going, but as Mark Knowles keeps reminding us during class, "You have to push harder, go farther, and be stubborn about it." I'm not going there to 'get flexible', I really want to get more out of it. More for my mind and spirit.




I would like to stop eating cookies for dinner.  They are not a good source of vitamins or minerals.

Sunrise is so simply complex

 
 Starting with these seems reasonable.  Let's see how I do.

26

Listen to my favorite song while you read
I turned 25 in the wake before disaster. Sitting in my classroom sorting through the previous years teacher's crap that she decided to leave behind for me to deal with. 14 hours in my classroom that day. I had arrived in Charleston 5 days earlier. No friends yet to rely on or a place that felt like home I could escape to. My roommate was out at the bar but I was to tired to go so I stayed home.

I turned 25 on a Thursday in August in a new city that was hotter than anything I had ever experienced or was prepared for. Just after driving for days across the country with Cassie, I was now stationary in a new place.

I was 25 for my first 'real' job with benefits. I was 25 while I quit that job. I was 25 when I fell in love for the first time, and 25 when I had my heart broken for the first time. I got Jackson, the highlight of all of this, and was able to keep him with me at work for far longer than most people get the privilege of.

I remained in Charleston for the entire year.  The first time since I was 17 that I haven't moved throughout the course of a year.

I believe that you meet certain people for very specific reasons.  You have people in your life to support you, guide you, help you, lead you, and show you the right way.  These can all be different people, and you might have multiple people who play the same role.  Friends who guide you out of depression, and away from negative thoughts and tears.  I have these friends, lots of them.  One thing that 25 did was show me who these people are in my life.  They came from everywhere to get me out of one depression and another.  They are in my life right now, calling me and sending me their love to help me get on my feet.  Something happened in July, and I am still not sure what, but I haven't recovered from it yet.   I seem to be stuck somewhere and am having a hard time finding my way out.

26 will be about finding my way out. Waiting until fate happens to find out where I am supposed to be. No more predetermined moves that may be wrong or right.  Charleston may have been neither right nor wrong, but it was certainly where I was supposed to be this year. I know a few people who will back me up when I say I made an impact in a few different places and to a few different people this year.

I wish I knew where I would be a year from now. But I don't.  I thought I would be in Hawaii, for a whole month I thought that certain circumstances where going to lead me there, but now that those influences are no longer playing a role in my future, I don't know where 26 will take me.  Maybe it will be back to Hawaii.  The only thing I know for certain is that I need to be somewhere with real friends. Like-minded friends. I have been missing out on a few of my favorite things because I haven't been making good choices. Mary told me that I need to be able to make myself happy. I have been waiting and relying on other people to do so. More importantly, I have been relying on guys to make me happy.  That is wrong. I am the only person who can make myself happy, and if that means that I am going to be alone for a while, then that is the case.  I have to look out for myself better, take care of myself better.  Look up at the stars and ask them for advice.  Hug my puppy and drink tea. Eat real food in my own kitchen. Do my job at a more than satisfactory level. Go to yoga as often as it fits in my schedule. Kick ass when I'm playing soccer. Get my hair more blonde in the sun. Stand outside in the wind and take deep breaths. Because that is the only thing that matters.

I would like to say a special thank you to everyone that was here and there for me this past year. Most especially to my family for getting me out of Charleston within hours of my heart shattering after Christmas. To Katina and Michelle S for bringing me back to life. To Max for saving my soul yesterday. To Michelle W for always looking out for me. To Haley, Kevin, Laura, Keysa, Emma, Nick, Val, Rachel, Charity, Patrick and Nicole for being there for me always. To Geoff, Sam, Anthony, and Brian Jennings for always knowing when I need them. To Cassie for making my dreams come true. To Chelsea for understanding my inner battle. To Mark for showing and explaining the right way, I could not have imagined a better teacher. And to my sister Mary, it makes me cry thinking how far away you are. Thank you for always picking up the phone.

Bulls Island

An entire summer gone in a blink of an eye.  In between sobs you hear the word No.  No I don't want it to be over. No this isn't how it is supposed to end.  Why does it have to end so fast.  Why did it even have to happen at all.  Was it even worth it? Because right now it doesn't seem like it was, but after going through each detail step by step with a dear friend Max, you realize it all was.  Every Second.

Take a deep breath and breathe. No more sobbing.  Life isn't over. Smile because it was All worth it.

Learning Every Day

I didn't post one time in June.  Not a single word about how I was doing or how I was feeling.  I felt like I was in a good place.  Working my butt off almost daily at my job, relying on the 2 or 3 hours of free time a day to enjoy some calm. Its hard to enjoy the calm when the calm is no where to be found.  Having my puppy Jackson has been really stressful. Now I knew it would be hard to have a puppy, countless people told me of this challenge, but I didn't realize how personally I would take people being upset with him and his actions.  When you walk into the kitchen in the morning he gets really excited to see you and comes on over to say hello, but in the process he will probably step on your feet and maybe try to pull your pants off.  He's a puppy. He's learning. But Yelling at him to get away isn't necessarily going to make it stop. 

I feel like a majority of the time people are telling him 'no' 'stop' 'quit it' 'git away' 'Jackson Stop!' and I take this really personally.  Why do I internalize other people's reactions to my dog? It makes me upset and feel bad that he is upsetting them.  I feel like he is always in the way or doing something he is not supposed to be doing so I keep him right next to me while we're home.  I close him in the living room so he doesn't bother anyone in the morning.  I keep thinking to myself how great it is going to be when I live with out roommates.  I don't want to live with roommates anymore and stress about leaving a dish out or the counter not completely wiped off.  I want to be able to set my bag down when I get home and not worry about immediately bringing it up to my room.  I really want to be able to leave my awesome and bad ass puppy in the house when I leave for work and not worry about his barking bothering anyone or him getting into someone elses stuff. 

How can you not love this amazing little man?

I have absolutely not been taking care of myself lately. All of the things that I normally do to keep me here are not happening.  I could blame it on many things, but the only thing I can blame is me. I was just home for an entire week with my WHOLE family and I didn't take advantage of it to the fullest.  I had to give myself several time outs and quiet times because I continuously was getting upset and frustrated at small things. And then I got sad. In fact, right now I am sad. I don't always want to be sad, but I am starting to believe that I will have this inside of me forever.  I can keep it piped down and hidden for a while, but then it always seems to creep back up with little option for me to control it.

My yoga teacher and friend Mark Knowles always seems to know when I am down.  He's been teaching me about all the things I have been holding inside, like how you hold resentment and relationships in your hips. My right hip is royally fucked up.  There is no other way to say it other than it super sucks.  I firmly believe that things from my past keep creeping up and setting me in the wrong direction.  Resentment is an interesting thought.  Time to start digging again.  I have to sit down nice and still and quiet and figure out what at this moment is getting to me.  I called my best friend Cassie and she asked all the right questions, I just did not have the right answers.  Looks like it is time for me to find them.