Sometimes it takes a little while to figure it out. A dog that is not feeling so well to help you realize you are actually not taking the best care of yourself. The realization that you are spending way to much time with this guy that you like and not making friends of your own. You actually have a lot going for you and a great support system too. I actually made some friends when I first moved here. I have people that I can hang out with. There is more to this place! Just not any swimming holes... But there is so much that I haven't totally dived into yet, and I have a ways to go before I am allowed to be actually sad again. Less sad Anna is a way better Anna! Wahoo!

Sadness

Sadness is incredible. It can take over your entire body. My mind, my soul. It grips me so hard and I feel as if I have no control over any of it. The tears, the heartache, almost a true depression. It ebbs and flows, receding for lengths of time where I know it is gone, and then it will come back to get me. It is not one continuous sadness, I am not carrying things from my past with me to continue what I have flowing through me now. But I am most certainly sad at the moment. Holding things in, bottling them up, until the only way for them to escape is through tears and wails. Then anger comes and scares me beyond all anything. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be sad. How long have I been sad like this. I can remember a time in college, in high school. Early on I battled this sadness and now it is back. What have I done to make it better in the past? Yoga, run, bike, play with small children. But even then takes from my heart. Wears me down. I need to do the yoga. To follow through. Clear my head. Was I really happiest when I was going all the time? Maybe I was. Maybe I need to find that again. Find my place and my space and make some friends again. Find the inner Anna who I love and adore so much. Maybe it is my current loss of my yoga practice. Is that what I am missing. The alone time in my head. The need to cry in the silence behind my eyes. Let it leave my body there and be able to take on the rest of my day? Is this it? It must be. I need to go try. I need to try something, because here I am in this funk and I need to get out somehow.

Help Me Achieve My Dream ->>>

Let me begin by giving you a little back story.

I honestly have had NO IDEA what my actual goals are for a long time. What do I want to do when I grow up?
I thought to myself my senior year in high school "I like math, I'm going to be a math major in college. Teaching runs in my family, I'll teach math." So I got a math degree, a high school teaching degree, I added on middle school, and then threw in special ed for good measure. I realized how much I loved ASL and made a big leap to getting a masters degree to teach deaf children math.
I studied education, I lived it, I wore it on my skin, and then I taught.
Turns out that perhaps teaching is not for me.  During each of my four internships I was miserable. For six months in the classroom I was worse than miserable. And this was because of something within me, not the people I was surrounded with. So I ran away from teaching. I actually ran away and hid.

 

Two years ago this week I quit my teaching job. The first and only thing I have ever quit, because I grew up in a house where quitting was not an answer (especially with a little brother who always wanted to beat me).

 

Two years has gone by and that inner feeling that deep down inside I am a teacher hasn't left. I go back to babysitting, to educating while I am on a kayak tour, to feeling the need to educate my friends...
I am an educator. 
And then it finally came to me.
My true calling is in becoming a yoga teacher. 

I have been sitting on this feeling for well over a year. It was two years ago that I seriously started practicing yoga and became committed to becoming a better, more grounded, deeper, more appreciative, intuitive, spiritual, giving, and loving individual.
I realized today, while discussing life with my sister Mary, that I finally need to go after my dream. Think of the possibilities! I will be certified in multi-style yoga which means I will be able to teach many different classes of yoga including Vinyasa, or even SUP yoga out on paddle boards on Folly Creek. It includes yoga therapy and yoga dance as well.

Can you imagine...

                                me opening up my very own studio someday that includes classes specifically offered for deaf people? Because you better believe that I am going to learn all of the signs for the different asanas. I am going to learn as much Sanskrit as I can possibly wrap my mind around, and I will be able to pass on the actual names of poses to people to help them better understand yoga someday.

This is my dream. Can you help me achieve it? The tuition for the 9 week program is $3200. Even $5 will help. Each and every person will receive a hand written letter from me.

And if you have a dream, go get it. You only live once.

Life has taken me back to Hawaii

I made it back here... In fact, when the Island finally came in to view from the plane window I started crying.

 I may have run out of good Karma for the remainder of the summer. Yesterday was unbelievable. I mean that in many ways. Allow me to highlight a few.

One of my best friends, Rob, came to Saugerties to pick me up on Sunday and drove me back down to his apartment that night. He lives about half an hour from JFK, has plenty of space for Jackson, and great roommates. I woke up at 4am Monday and took Jackson for a nice walk to the park before our big adventure began. It was a balmy 14 degrees outside with wind speeds up to 20 mph... I was leaving NY with one last reminder of the cold. Rob woke up at 4:45 and we got to the airport by 5:15am. Who does that for a friend? I couldn't say thank you enough.

Somehow in the security line multiple people were cutting the line. I guess there was a flight at 6am for LA and those people took precedence over everyone else? So the line didn't move for what felt like eternity, but was actually half and hour, and in flying terms that is a lot. After an added 5 minutes because Jackson refused to use the escalator, I made it to my gate minutes before it closed. The plane had not one empty seat. Some how the universe sent me the nicest man in the WORLD to sit next to (the guy in the aisle seat was not so accepting). Fred, as I came to know him, helped me get my bag up top and let Jackson sleep on his feet the entire 6 hours to Phoenix. He talked to me about teaching and how I should get back into it, we talked about yoga, I learned about his family, and I now know a lot more about casinos then ever before. Every time Jackson would get restless he'd lean down and pet his head. It was fantastic. Then as we were getting off the plane, he boxed out the other passengers so Jackson and I could get out without being to squished. I shook his hand and wished him amazing good fortunes on his future.

In Phoenix the nicest flight attendant in all existence helped me make sure all of Jackson's paperwork was in order, and got my bag on the plane in an overhead compartment so I could get on last. Again, this plane was packed. After an hour layover Jackson made it a second 7 hour flight sleeping by my feet and only getting restless a few more times. We arrived in Hawaii and after holding his bowels for 16 hours Jackson got to pee on the wonderfully plush Hawaiian grass outside the airport. I had both my suitcases, my dog, and my yoga mat, and I had made it back safely to Hawaii.

I'm sitting at Mary and Keysa's favorite cafe currently and have a job interview at 1pm today. I'm going to have to start thoroughly investing back into my karma bank as I must have used it all up during my travels.

It's a 5 hour time difference between here and NY. Everyone please text me your address :)

A changing moment in my life.

Jackson is never angry or spiteful.

Change. That is what it is all about. Not dwelling on things. Letting them go. If I were to dwell on all of the things that have happened in my life, even the worst, then I would be going nowhere. I would be stuck in some terrible, claustrophobic life, unhappy and mad at the way things are. The only one who can make those things better is you. Hammering past occurrences that upset you are not going to suddenly make it better. They make you feel regret, one of the worst feelings. They make you feel angry and spiteful towards others.
I don't want any of that. I want sunrises. Long hikes to the tops of mountains. I want to smile with the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to be happy when I'm alone. And I can be.

I want this

I wanted to write about this so called changing moment in my life when I first started typing this. But not even I know when that moment was or is. A changing phase of my life that is quickly and surely leading me to answers. I'm watching many people right now live solemnly and quietly in their life. Admitting to a select few about their real passions, purpose, and goals. They keep it hidden from most and remain sad, lonely, or content. I refuse to do that anymore. I have been scared lately to go out and do things on my own. I have felt trapped in Charleston, trapped in my house, my body, my thinking, my job, and my decisions. I let myself get hurt this summer by things that shouldn't have hurt me. I let irrational thinking take over other more irrational happenings that I was watching right before my eyes. I'll take it as a lesson. Lesson learned. Time to move on. Narrow down what you look at online, and broaden what you look at right in front of you, all around, in the present and in the future. Time to take charge of what is now, and let go what is past.



I'm trying to decide what I actually want to do in life. Who I want to be. What I want to be.  What do I want to spend my time doing? How can I  make the most of the time that I have here, and enjoy it. Enjoy every drop of it. Smile when it rains. Walk in it anyway. Don't watch your life go by with out enjoying the small things. Laugh at them, drink them up, dance all around them. And then look at yourself in the mirror and smile, because everything is working out exactly as it should be.

The Right One

 When I was in Saugerties after leaving Charleston, and on my way to Boston, I said to myself and to others "This is the last time I am doing this.  The last time I am moving somewhere temporarily and uprooting myself, my things, and my happiness." I promised myself continuously as I sat solemnly in my childhood bedroom that the next place I would move, after Boston, would be somewhere more permanent. I had also promised myself over a month before that I would be moving on and pursuing something. I didn't and still don't know what that something is, but I would be pursuing it.
Well, it has been over a month now that I have been home, and since moved to Boston.  I like it here, sorta.  Its freezing and I hate being cold, so that doesn't help. And the traffic is insane. I bet if it was warmer out then I would probably like it a bit more, but its not warm and wont be for a few months.
November though March here, and then back to Charleston to finish what I started at COA. I don't want to keep moving. I don't. Maybe Charleston will be my last, but who knows. There are bigger problems stewing that are hurting my soul. Hurting it so bad that I feel like I don't live in this body.

"Do you really want to be with someone that is living a lie?  You are better than that." 
- James K.


How do I allow myself to be sucked back into this trap time after time again? It seems so repetitive and silly, yet here I am. It makes me take a harder look on the way that I judge people. People who overeat, or do drugs, or drink to much. I am constantly judging them, but here I am doing the same thing, I just don't wear it on the outside. I keep it very hidden and can often times put it on the back burner while hiding inside.
Do I push through and continue on to the next perfect one or do I try to fix myself, learn from my mistakes and do something better with my choices. I am looking at these life lessons over and over and not learning from them, making the same mistakes. Yet I am looking in all the wrong places at all the wrong men. I need to find the 'right one' not the perfect one. But before that I need to look at myself and my choices.  Learn to love myself, and then perhaps it will all come together. Boston is my time to step back and take a look at myself. I have 3 full months before my return to Charleston. 3 months of finding me, who I am, and who the right one really is.

Take a step back

Let me take a step back for a second.  So I was working my butt off in Charleston all summer, knowing that I was moving to Boston the beginning of November. I packed up my stuff to put into a Uhaul when I moved from my sweet bedroom upstairs to the dining room downstairs for a month so that the new girl could move in early.  The dining room wasn't really so bad. For the most part I had the whole downstairs to myself since everyone spent a lot of time in their rooms upstairs.  I spent a lot of time taking Jackson on walks and sitting on our dock.  I took him to the beach early in the morning so we could watch the sun come up.

This recent Saturday I had a total meltdown.  I had a few smaller ones leading up to it over the course of two weeks, but this was a big one.

My last evenings on the boat.

 I've been so sad and have been having such a hard time letting things from my past go.  I hold them all inside of me and let them weigh me down, so frustrating.  Then I get mad, angry, frustrated, and upset with myself because I am sad, which of course makes things worse.
Starting my journey now on being truly happy. Or finding what it really is that I am looking for.  Make myself happy, and then I can let someone else into my life. For now it is just Jackson and I. I kind of like it. He certainly does.




I want to be brave. I miss my sunrises. I miss the warmth on my skin. I love the way the sky changes colors when the sun moves through it. It sends so many amazing messages about change, continual growth, and not settling for the small things. 

Happiness

I know it has been a while, and I have missed writing. I always think about how much I like to write, and then for the last two months I made conscious decisions not to. Why? I was doing things that made me happy instead. But were they actually making me happy?
Since late August I have had some of the best, most heartfelt, and wonderful times of my life.  And living in those moments for long hours past helped me put aside many things and push the rest to a distant back burner. Sadly, I was allowing my happiness to depend on someone else, which was truly amazing. But what comes out of all that is the realization that I truly need to be happy with myself before I can allow someone else in.  I was caught up and swept off my feet in this wonderful place, somewhere that I would love to go back to, but not before I take care of myself. I need to be able to be happy even when I am alone. Alone. I need to be able to be alone. Its hard even just to write that.
I couldn't be more grateful for my friends.  I have had to put a lot of trust in some of my closest friends this week, dumping my soul onto them while I was crashing. Apparently I was storing a lot inside that all decided to come flooding out over the past week or two, since I left Charleston.  Leaving helps you realize a lot. I realized how much I really care about someone and want them to be a part of my life. I realized how much I loved the house I was living in. I also realized how much I really like the island that I work on, that place is such a safe zone for me.
I know it will be hard for me to get my shit together. It always will be hard, but I know I need to work on it. I keep that in the foreground at all times. If someone or something is hurting you, then you need to let it go. I am letting go the people or things that make me unhappy, its not worth it. I don't want to waste the energy I have thinking about things I can't control or are not something I should be trying to control. I want this pain in my chest to go away. It make my shoulders tense and so hard to breathe.
The hardest thing is realizing that I left a part of me in Charleston. I gave it away without knowing if it will be properly taken care of or if it will be tossed away. Healing takes time, but I have a lot of that here in Boston. All the time in the world for the next 4 or so months.
I know my words are totally scattered. There is a lot that I want to put down, but for now vague is how it will be.
I want to keep my journey. I want to write about it so I can come back, look, and see how I have changed since early November. Emotionally, Mentally, even Physically.
Early November:
Physically in great shape. Eating well, lots of yoga.
Mentally in a good place, know where I am heading and what I am about to take on.
Emotionally a wreck. Total meltdown/breakdowns without warning. Support system being utilized fully, but emotionally alone can't hold myself together for anything. Having a very hard time being alone. Haven't gone 24 hours without crying.
Month 1 

Goals

I want to set goals.  Actual Goals. Attainable realistic goals that I will pursue wholeheartedly.

Dawn from my dock with ducks

I am going to start with the sunrise.  I want to, everyday, as soon as I get up, walk outside onto my dock with Jackson and look out at the sun coming up from the East.  Take a breath and just stand there without thinking about my day or past days.

Along side of that, I want to meditate. Thanks to my sister, I now have a hands on meditation guide to start me off this week.  She asked me to do it every day for this entire upcoming week, so this will be a good jump start to my goal of meditating at least 3 times per week, but I would like that to increase as time goes on.



I started the Whole Life Challenge on Saturday, and I would really like to excel at it.  Right now both of my sisters are kicking my butt, but I would like to really make a conscious decision to follow the rules and get lots of points. Only 52 more days.

See, I'm making progress

Yoga has been so great for me.  I know it was a past goal, and I have done well at it. Done well at going, but as Mark Knowles keeps reminding us during class, "You have to push harder, go farther, and be stubborn about it." I'm not going there to 'get flexible', I really want to get more out of it. More for my mind and spirit.




I would like to stop eating cookies for dinner.  They are not a good source of vitamins or minerals.

Sunrise is so simply complex

 
 Starting with these seems reasonable.  Let's see how I do.

26

Listen to my favorite song while you read
I turned 25 in the wake before disaster. Sitting in my classroom sorting through the previous years teacher's crap that she decided to leave behind for me to deal with. 14 hours in my classroom that day. I had arrived in Charleston 5 days earlier. No friends yet to rely on or a place that felt like home I could escape to. My roommate was out at the bar but I was to tired to go so I stayed home.

I turned 25 on a Thursday in August in a new city that was hotter than anything I had ever experienced or was prepared for. Just after driving for days across the country with Cassie, I was now stationary in a new place.

I was 25 for my first 'real' job with benefits. I was 25 while I quit that job. I was 25 when I fell in love for the first time, and 25 when I had my heart broken for the first time. I got Jackson, the highlight of all of this, and was able to keep him with me at work for far longer than most people get the privilege of.

I remained in Charleston for the entire year.  The first time since I was 17 that I haven't moved throughout the course of a year.

I believe that you meet certain people for very specific reasons.  You have people in your life to support you, guide you, help you, lead you, and show you the right way.  These can all be different people, and you might have multiple people who play the same role.  Friends who guide you out of depression, and away from negative thoughts and tears.  I have these friends, lots of them.  One thing that 25 did was show me who these people are in my life.  They came from everywhere to get me out of one depression and another.  They are in my life right now, calling me and sending me their love to help me get on my feet.  Something happened in July, and I am still not sure what, but I haven't recovered from it yet.   I seem to be stuck somewhere and am having a hard time finding my way out.

26 will be about finding my way out. Waiting until fate happens to find out where I am supposed to be. No more predetermined moves that may be wrong or right.  Charleston may have been neither right nor wrong, but it was certainly where I was supposed to be this year. I know a few people who will back me up when I say I made an impact in a few different places and to a few different people this year.

I wish I knew where I would be a year from now. But I don't.  I thought I would be in Hawaii, for a whole month I thought that certain circumstances where going to lead me there, but now that those influences are no longer playing a role in my future, I don't know where 26 will take me.  Maybe it will be back to Hawaii.  The only thing I know for certain is that I need to be somewhere with real friends. Like-minded friends. I have been missing out on a few of my favorite things because I haven't been making good choices. Mary told me that I need to be able to make myself happy. I have been waiting and relying on other people to do so. More importantly, I have been relying on guys to make me happy.  That is wrong. I am the only person who can make myself happy, and if that means that I am going to be alone for a while, then that is the case.  I have to look out for myself better, take care of myself better.  Look up at the stars and ask them for advice.  Hug my puppy and drink tea. Eat real food in my own kitchen. Do my job at a more than satisfactory level. Go to yoga as often as it fits in my schedule. Kick ass when I'm playing soccer. Get my hair more blonde in the sun. Stand outside in the wind and take deep breaths. Because that is the only thing that matters.

I would like to say a special thank you to everyone that was here and there for me this past year. Most especially to my family for getting me out of Charleston within hours of my heart shattering after Christmas. To Katina and Michelle S for bringing me back to life. To Max for saving my soul yesterday. To Michelle W for always looking out for me. To Haley, Kevin, Laura, Keysa, Emma, Nick, Val, Rachel, Charity, Patrick and Nicole for being there for me always. To Geoff, Sam, Anthony, and Brian Jennings for always knowing when I need them. To Cassie for making my dreams come true. To Chelsea for understanding my inner battle. To Mark for showing and explaining the right way, I could not have imagined a better teacher. And to my sister Mary, it makes me cry thinking how far away you are. Thank you for always picking up the phone.

Bulls Island

An entire summer gone in a blink of an eye.  In between sobs you hear the word No.  No I don't want it to be over. No this isn't how it is supposed to end.  Why does it have to end so fast.  Why did it even have to happen at all.  Was it even worth it? Because right now it doesn't seem like it was, but after going through each detail step by step with a dear friend Max, you realize it all was.  Every Second.

Take a deep breath and breathe. No more sobbing.  Life isn't over. Smile because it was All worth it.

Learning Every Day

I didn't post one time in June.  Not a single word about how I was doing or how I was feeling.  I felt like I was in a good place.  Working my butt off almost daily at my job, relying on the 2 or 3 hours of free time a day to enjoy some calm. Its hard to enjoy the calm when the calm is no where to be found.  Having my puppy Jackson has been really stressful. Now I knew it would be hard to have a puppy, countless people told me of this challenge, but I didn't realize how personally I would take people being upset with him and his actions.  When you walk into the kitchen in the morning he gets really excited to see you and comes on over to say hello, but in the process he will probably step on your feet and maybe try to pull your pants off.  He's a puppy. He's learning. But Yelling at him to get away isn't necessarily going to make it stop. 

I feel like a majority of the time people are telling him 'no' 'stop' 'quit it' 'git away' 'Jackson Stop!' and I take this really personally.  Why do I internalize other people's reactions to my dog? It makes me upset and feel bad that he is upsetting them.  I feel like he is always in the way or doing something he is not supposed to be doing so I keep him right next to me while we're home.  I close him in the living room so he doesn't bother anyone in the morning.  I keep thinking to myself how great it is going to be when I live with out roommates.  I don't want to live with roommates anymore and stress about leaving a dish out or the counter not completely wiped off.  I want to be able to set my bag down when I get home and not worry about immediately bringing it up to my room.  I really want to be able to leave my awesome and bad ass puppy in the house when I leave for work and not worry about his barking bothering anyone or him getting into someone elses stuff. 

How can you not love this amazing little man?

I have absolutely not been taking care of myself lately. All of the things that I normally do to keep me here are not happening.  I could blame it on many things, but the only thing I can blame is me. I was just home for an entire week with my WHOLE family and I didn't take advantage of it to the fullest.  I had to give myself several time outs and quiet times because I continuously was getting upset and frustrated at small things. And then I got sad. In fact, right now I am sad. I don't always want to be sad, but I am starting to believe that I will have this inside of me forever.  I can keep it piped down and hidden for a while, but then it always seems to creep back up with little option for me to control it.

My yoga teacher and friend Mark Knowles always seems to know when I am down.  He's been teaching me about all the things I have been holding inside, like how you hold resentment and relationships in your hips. My right hip is royally fucked up.  There is no other way to say it other than it super sucks.  I firmly believe that things from my past keep creeping up and setting me in the wrong direction.  Resentment is an interesting thought.  Time to start digging again.  I have to sit down nice and still and quiet and figure out what at this moment is getting to me.  I called my best friend Cassie and she asked all the right questions, I just did not have the right answers.  Looks like it is time for me to find them.

What your momma told you

Moms always say that if you don't take care of yourself you will get sick, or if you leave the house with wet hair. Well, I always wore a hat to school if I took a shower in the morning.
What I haven't been doing is taking care of myself. Over the past few days I've been at work for approximately 10 hours each day. In that ten hours I have definitely not drank enough water, put on enough sun screen, or eaten enough healthy food. I did, however, pound an amazing amount of chocolate covered almonds. Well my hair is platinum blond now and my skin is super dark, and I feel like shit.  Who gets a cold during the summer?

Take a moment

Take a moment and think about something that is making you happy right now. I smile as multiple things come rushing through my mind that make me happy. I just got off the phone with James because I was freaking out about my bank account balance.  Pretty much slim to no money in there right now. I was checking out at the vet and the total came up to be $200. Two hundred dollars? Really? Holy crap.  Jackson is having an allergic reaction to something, so along with his Parvo, Lime, and Rabies vaccine, this boy just racked up a huge bill.
I took a few days off from work recently, and since I am paid hourly now that really affected me.  I know the season is going to pick up really soon and I will be working a ton of hours, but right now it is really hitting me hard that I am so broke.  Of course, being me I started to get really upset, plan out my whole next months worth of bills and freak about my school loans that are going to start rolling in this August.
Take a deep breath.  I just happened to click on my sisters blog and it instantly made me feel so much better. Read that, it will make you feel better too.  So then I sat here and thought of something that makes me really happy. I came up with a bunch.  My great friend Patrick Ryan called me at 6 this morning while he was on his way to work and I was on my way to yoga. He knew I had been having a rough time the previous day and wanted to catch up.  Alianne Tracey dropped everything to skype with me yesterday for 45 minutes and I burnt 3 out my 4 batches of cookies during our conversation. Jackson is the most kick ass dog in the whole world. I live with these 2 amazing girls now, on a lake, in an awesome house.

Look at what great things I am being surrounded by, even just at this moment! So I am offering up my low balance in my bank account to the universe and I know it will work out. I'll get my next paycheck before my rent is due, and our summer rental will be worth every penny that I am spending on it. I will not starve to death. I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head.  I have a garden outside that I just planted and I have more than enough things to do at home to occupy my mind/time.
That was the last vet visit for an entire year hopefully. He has his rabies vaccine so we can finally go to the dog park if we want. Not that Jackson needs a fenced in area, he likes to be crazy all on his own. 
Phew I need to take three more deep breaths. I am so happy in life, I need to chill out about the money stuff!

Using Your Past

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, tucked into bed late at night, and I don't have the internet password yet, nor do I have the charger to my computer. So I decided to look through some pictures. I landed upon these amazing pictures of the camp that I worked at for 6 amazing summers. To be able to hang out with these young lives during the summer when so much learning and love is capable of happening is something that stays with you forever.

You can feel the love

There was this one boy who had a really cool A name that I want to keep in mind for when I have kids. He was Autistic, but on the “high functioning end of the spectrum” as his parents pointed out to me on the very first day of camp. He and his sister were with me for the entire 6 weeks of summer. It was interesting to me, as a studier of education/special education, a recent grad of college and still pursuing my masters, that the mom felt she absolutely needed to point out the high functioning part to me. But looking back now I am so glad that she did. So many people hear the word autistic and will automatically label someone. Boom: He's different and should be treated as such. This boy and I did a lot of hanging out that summer. We had to take some time outs along with some recentering of ourselves in front of the schedule, but boy did I learn the most from him. More than any other child that I have had at camp or taught. Memories of the two of us stick with me to this day, and I reflect on them during different situations to make sure I am being the best person I can be.

I remember one of the final days of summer when we were flying a kite on the grass just having a blast. Instead of being frustrated by the amount of questions, needed precision, and frustration, the two of us hung out and figured it out together. Making that kite fly. That is a choice you know. Patience with a small child. Especially a child who may not be able to turn something off inside and you have to hang on a little bit tighter, a little bit longer before losing your cool.

Mimo and Julian. The best of the best

When I came back for my yearly visit last summer he was in the next group up. It was hard for me to watch another counselor not have as much patience. To not spend that extra moment explaining the schedule and why we had to put on our sun screen and grab our towel in order to go to the pool before yelling at him to hurry up and get moving. That made me want to be a teacher and get in there more than ever. I stood back though.

My Jack.I still wear the bracelet he made me when he was 8

What happened to that drive of teaching? Babysitting tonight I had less patience than ever. I caught myself snapping and being upset at things that normal 5 year olds do. This boy in particular will push things to the absolute limit, so it is quite hard to not lose your cool, but where did my love go? Why can I not hang on just a little bit harder and share my love anymore. I think I am so frustrated deep inside because of this internal dilemma now about teaching. Do I still want to? Am I going to be a kayak tour guide for a long time? I am moving in with my sister Angela in Boston this winter. She asked me if I would nanny for her as she pops her fourth one out. Absolutely. Maybe this summer of kayaking will get me balanced. Will give me a chance to check in with myself. Then I will be able to reconnect this winter. I need to get in the right mind set though first I think. Self reflection get me there and memories of camp keep me strong.

Never Have I Ever...

See. Don't they look dumb?

Remember that game?  One of my favorites at parties.  It can be really fun OR really uncomfortable.  Learning things about people just by watching them take a sip of beer after a specific question, or putting a finger down because they are included in the group. Somehow that game always turns sexual, I don't recommend for the younger crowds.






Ok but to the point of this post.

Never have I ever felt like I was inspiring people.  I feel like I am inspiring myself sometimes, but other people? Thats pretty awesome. Its important to hear those kinds of things from other people, its almost like it keeps me going.  Like at a time like this.  Its Easter, I'm at my apartment alone, and I'm lonely. The same thing happened on Christmas.  Its interesting because prior to both holidays I was completely sure about being home alone, but then the time comes and I feel completely left out. Alone.
Waves of sadness pass over me.  Will this be something I struggle with my whole life? A whole month of complete happiness and then just another fresh wave flows in. Passing over me and bringing me down.

I got this awesome puppy named Jackson from my mom this week.  He rules, and as you can tell from FB, loves to sleep a lot.  He is great at following me around and just hanging out at work with me, but he also loves to chew on my legs.  I'm working on that one don't worry. He is keeping me company for sure.  I want to talk to people about being sad, but its hard. I don't want to bring other people down.  Thank God I have a job where I am appreciated now because that helps bring me up every time I drive onto Bowens Island. So, having a crappy job cannot be anywhere in the future for me.

Sending out positive energy. I got a letter in the mail from my best friend in high school letting me know that my attitude and experiences are contagious, that they bring other people up.  I like that.  What I am doing makes me so happy.  I hope someday that my sister really does open her own retreat so that I can be a life coach and make it my job to inspire other people.  What do you think? Time to go inspire myself and DO something for myself on my day off on Easter. I think I hear Folly Beach calling.

This is for all of my nerd friends from college

Two Months

My favorite affirmation that I have learned and manifest this 2013 is "I accept that I am a messenger for love".  Notice that it doesn't say a messenger OF love.  I believe this brings it a different meaning. I am not the one receiving this love, I am the messenger of it.  Bringing it from one person to another.  I love being here for my friends when they need advice.  I am trying to live by my own words too.  You know how some people will tell you awesome advice, but then they wont follow it at all themselves? I don't want to be that person. I want to be me, and exactly who I am supposed to be.

I decided at the end of 2012 that I wanted to be happy.  I told that to the universe, and I accepted my consequences of what needed to happen in order for me to be happy. The universe took my words and whispered them in the ears of others, and together it began happening.  I found my way out of an imperfect relationship that was constantly upsetting me and out of an unhealthy job that was literally making my body and mind fall apart.  Today is two months since the last day of my job. Two months since I have broken down crying at the most inappropriate times for sometimes NO reason. One full month that I have been off anti-depressants. Everyday I feel better.  I want to put it out there to the world, and out there to those who are in pain, that getting out of a bad situation is really really hard.  And it doesn't just automatically get better the day you get out.  There is honestly a healing process and a period of time in which you need to give your body to heal, to sleep extra. It was over a week before I even started to feel like myself again. And a month before I really saw the Anna Banana that I am most comfortable with coming out.

This past Saturday night at a good friends bachelorette party I saw that Anna come full force.  I was bossy and leading the pack, my main goal that everyone was having a good time and was happy with what we were doing.  I talked to a manager at the one bar, and talked to lots of strangers to make sure the bride-to-be was getting a free shot or two :) It hurt me to know that because of a silly Facebook comment her fiance was upset with me and her, and I was doing everything I could to make that right.  I hope, pray, and beg that when I am getting married and the time for my bachelorette party arises that I am not made to feel guilty, ashamed, or bad by my significant other.  It is the one day where you get to go out with all of your girl friends and have a blast.  Friends from all over getting babysitters and plane tickets to spend one special night with you. Why should you feel bad about that? Especially when it was literally a girls night and we were all just dancing and laughing together.  The threat of a strip club is a much different offense. 

Tomorrow I am leading my first tour.  I am pretty nervous.  I am also very sick right now, and slept for 13 hours last night, and woke up today still feeling pretty crappy, but I'm a Sullivan, I'll pull through.  I am going to take my sisters advice also.  I am going to imagine how awesome my tour is, and how much everyone appreciates it and learns on it.  Its gonna be an awesome tour.  And then they are going to write an amazing review about me on trip adviser.  And then I will be famous.  And they will tip me.  Lots.

Did I mention I am getting a puppy next week? I am so freaking excited I can't even explain it.

If you are unhappy with what you are doing then you need to change something.  Life is NOT about working a crappy job just to pay your loans off as fast as possible. Life is not about being miserable because you feel like you are stuck just to make ends meet. Believe in yourself. Your body is stronger than you give it credit for.

Reflecting on Me

My false perceptions of my body are an attack, Today I choose love instead of my Ego's perceptions. 


I just started on Week 3 in May Cause Miracles yesterday which is about body image.  I guess I have always been lucky in that aspect and have always been pretty small (except freshman year of college and my freshman 20 tire, but that is another story.  Damn all you can eat meals at college!). Gabby says how you can do a lot of different things that affect how much you love your body and letting your ego take over.  I thought I would share two funny stories, one of which I don't think Mary has ever known about.
To begin; in high school I had my first Victories Secret experience thanks to the fabulous Ancolie Martelly.  I decided I was a size extra small in the undies department.  God only know why.  Well, after that 5 pairs for $20, I felt awesome, and had amazing, painfully visible underwear lines to prove it. For like 2 years... Since growing up a Sullivan meant you didn't get to buy stuff very often and being the youngest of 4 girls meant you got a lot of hand-me-downs, I cherished that purchase. There was also a 7 year gap between the next oldest and I, so I didn't have any female advice and seemed to figure it all out on my own. The funny thing was those panty lines never really seemed to bother me. I'm sure I was made fun of quite a bit, but I almost don't remember really caring about those lines from my underwear.  Which leads me in to my second story.
I remember in 7th or 8th grade I was going to my school dance in the Bingo Hall (yup, gotta love Catholic school). I had on a REAL bra for maybe the first time ever (found it in Mary's drawer), I was wearing a spaghetti strapped tank top(Oh boy!), and I was wearing this blue sweater that I found in Mary's closet. The material made it so it had lots of holes is what I remember, so maybe it was kinda crocheted?? But I remember it being brilliant blue and I felt like I looked awesome for the first time ever. I had negative self-confidence back in grade school, so this was major for me.  Next thing I remember is being in a group with a bunch of 'friends' and they were all making fun of me for stuffing my bra.  (I didn't know what that meant, nor had I done it) They made fun of me so bad all night and onward for all kinds of stuff like that. And I took it pretty hard.  I was a pretty sad kid for a while, allowing my ego to take over and tell me how ugly and awful I am. I had borrowed my awesome older sister's clothes though!! How could I have not looked great?! Those girls and guys didn't seem to think so.

Looking back now though, I know those girls were jealous.  I was better at sports, I didn't have to die my hair, I wasn't smoking cigarettes, and in the end I did have friends.  I never hung out with anyone from my class, which is how I ended up finding my best friend in the world Cassandra 'Kovac' Kennedy and being loved thoroughly by her mom too.
I have always let my ego take over about how I look. Its cool to let that go though.  In May Cause Miracles, you learn to replace ego with love.  I look at myself and its just different.  I'm not judging myself.  I've never been one of those girls who grabs her (nonexistent) belly fat and complains about how she has to get rid of it. Thank God because those girls need to get over that.  It is an awful way to feel about yourself.  I've never been one of those girls to step on a scale and freak about how I need to lose one pound.  Those girls need to ditch their scales. I guess I was lucky in that department. But that doesn't meant that as far as this weeks reflections though that I am a Golden Girl.  I still have a lot of work to do.  Bring on the miracles.

And Fuck those girls from grade school.  No wonder they never left home, never made it to college, and have never experienced the awesomeness of the world. They sucked.




A response I received from a forever friend-Patrick Masterson
"I remember a time back in 6th or 7th grade when I was at a Coleman awards ceremony for one of my sisters, I think it was Sarah. I was sitting at a table doing my homework and trying my best not to be noticed by anyone. Then, out of nowhere a very outgoing and flirtatious blonde girl plops herself down next to me along with about about 50 of her books, introduces herself as "Anna Sullivan", and insists on knowing everything about me. You seemed pretty happy to learn that your brother (Andrew) and my sister (Sarah) were in the same class. You also seemed ecstatic to learn that we would be in the same class at Coleman in a few years. I didn't know what to think at the time because I had never met such an outgoing girl before, and honestly I just wanted to sit in the corner by myself and finish my homework. Low and behold, a few years later you and I are freshman classmates at Coleman where we become friends and still are to this day and I count you as one of my best and closest friends for life. So, thank you for sitting next me and doing your homework that one day in 6th grade Anna Banana. I love you!"

How Yoga is Changing Me

This morning in yoga I went to a "warm flow Friday" class. The teacher does her practice differently than what I am used to, so there was a lot more focus that went into it than I normally have to put in. It was interesting how my mind stopped wondering.  That is normally my goal during my practice, and for once, almost the entire class I was just one with my body and inside of my own being. It was cool how without thinking about keeping my thoughts from wondering, they actually weren't wondering. haha I like thinking about my own thoughts.

My favorite part of yoga is the different teachers. One of my favorites says the best stuff before she begins class. "You have already done the hardest part, you showed up." Its so true.  The absolute hardest part is showing up.  I usually get really down and hard on myself during class because I can't do most of the poses nearly as well as everyone else in the room. Then I look around again and remind myself that I am there.  All of the other inflexible people didn't even make it through the door. And the best part is, Every class I get better.  Every class I am able to do something a little bit better. My hip has started opening up, and I am able to balance on one leg even better now.

I like that hour and a half of self reflection everyday. Its my Anna time, where I am not thinking about work, friends, boys... I'm not remembering how sad I was this past fall, or how I am struggling for money. I am just in the moment, staying in the present. I highly recommend it to other people as one of the best long term decisions I have made to keep up with.  I am healthier both mentally and physically, and my coping mechanisms for the world around me are also better.

I will allow you to picture my yoga practice looking somewhat like this

In general I am just so much happier in life.  I really love my new job, and the people I am working with are awesome too. Even though the water is going to be freezing when they flip me over, I'm even excited to roll my kayak. My right leg keeps falling asleep whenever I'm out in the kayak for more than 5 minutes, but even that isn't getting me down. I'm grateful for how my life is working out.  I have a lot of good things coming for me, and I'm glad I'm able to embrace them.

Keep on keepin' on.

There are Reasons

I just wrote post cards to four of my dearest friends.  Feels so good.  I should buy more post cards, no point having stamps just lying around!

Obviously Neptune was watching me

I am on Day 4 of May Cause Miracles, and I must say its pretty cool. It became apparent yesterday when I was learning a new way to get on my kayak.  I am always so scared of messing up, but I took a step back, said an affirmation, and boom sauce. My coworker (who is training me to be an outstanding kayaker, and has been training people for like 15 years) was impressed.  4 hours later, after we practiced lots of skills like getting up on the chine (side) and using our paddles to steady us while using a low brace, and later paddling all the way to the ocean, we finally made it back to COA. I was exhausted, but totally pretended not to be. Which must have shown as I was barely able to hold up the bow(front) of both kayaks and Will was behind me probably laughing as I struggled.  He told my boss that I did good though. Win!  I got home sunburned of course, and extra exhausted. 

So here is where my journey has taken me so far. There are reasons that you go through what you do, and experience some rough and difficult situations. I'm hoping that some of those situations are over for me and that I can just ride the waves (literally) for a while.  I would love to not have my chest hurt when I think of certain things or to stop having nightmares.  Take 5 deep breaths.  Right now. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Feel your chest move. Close your eyes. See where it takes you.