26

Listen to my favorite song while you read
I turned 25 in the wake before disaster. Sitting in my classroom sorting through the previous years teacher's crap that she decided to leave behind for me to deal with. 14 hours in my classroom that day. I had arrived in Charleston 5 days earlier. No friends yet to rely on or a place that felt like home I could escape to. My roommate was out at the bar but I was to tired to go so I stayed home.

I turned 25 on a Thursday in August in a new city that was hotter than anything I had ever experienced or was prepared for. Just after driving for days across the country with Cassie, I was now stationary in a new place.

I was 25 for my first 'real' job with benefits. I was 25 while I quit that job. I was 25 when I fell in love for the first time, and 25 when I had my heart broken for the first time. I got Jackson, the highlight of all of this, and was able to keep him with me at work for far longer than most people get the privilege of.

I remained in Charleston for the entire year.  The first time since I was 17 that I haven't moved throughout the course of a year.

I believe that you meet certain people for very specific reasons.  You have people in your life to support you, guide you, help you, lead you, and show you the right way.  These can all be different people, and you might have multiple people who play the same role.  Friends who guide you out of depression, and away from negative thoughts and tears.  I have these friends, lots of them.  One thing that 25 did was show me who these people are in my life.  They came from everywhere to get me out of one depression and another.  They are in my life right now, calling me and sending me their love to help me get on my feet.  Something happened in July, and I am still not sure what, but I haven't recovered from it yet.   I seem to be stuck somewhere and am having a hard time finding my way out.

26 will be about finding my way out. Waiting until fate happens to find out where I am supposed to be. No more predetermined moves that may be wrong or right.  Charleston may have been neither right nor wrong, but it was certainly where I was supposed to be this year. I know a few people who will back me up when I say I made an impact in a few different places and to a few different people this year.

I wish I knew where I would be a year from now. But I don't.  I thought I would be in Hawaii, for a whole month I thought that certain circumstances where going to lead me there, but now that those influences are no longer playing a role in my future, I don't know where 26 will take me.  Maybe it will be back to Hawaii.  The only thing I know for certain is that I need to be somewhere with real friends. Like-minded friends. I have been missing out on a few of my favorite things because I haven't been making good choices. Mary told me that I need to be able to make myself happy. I have been waiting and relying on other people to do so. More importantly, I have been relying on guys to make me happy.  That is wrong. I am the only person who can make myself happy, and if that means that I am going to be alone for a while, then that is the case.  I have to look out for myself better, take care of myself better.  Look up at the stars and ask them for advice.  Hug my puppy and drink tea. Eat real food in my own kitchen. Do my job at a more than satisfactory level. Go to yoga as often as it fits in my schedule. Kick ass when I'm playing soccer. Get my hair more blonde in the sun. Stand outside in the wind and take deep breaths. Because that is the only thing that matters.

I would like to say a special thank you to everyone that was here and there for me this past year. Most especially to my family for getting me out of Charleston within hours of my heart shattering after Christmas. To Katina and Michelle S for bringing me back to life. To Max for saving my soul yesterday. To Michelle W for always looking out for me. To Haley, Kevin, Laura, Keysa, Emma, Nick, Val, Rachel, Charity, Patrick and Nicole for being there for me always. To Geoff, Sam, Anthony, and Brian Jennings for always knowing when I need them. To Cassie for making my dreams come true. To Chelsea for understanding my inner battle. To Mark for showing and explaining the right way, I could not have imagined a better teacher. And to my sister Mary, it makes me cry thinking how far away you are. Thank you for always picking up the phone.

Bulls Island

An entire summer gone in a blink of an eye.  In between sobs you hear the word No.  No I don't want it to be over. No this isn't how it is supposed to end.  Why does it have to end so fast.  Why did it even have to happen at all.  Was it even worth it? Because right now it doesn't seem like it was, but after going through each detail step by step with a dear friend Max, you realize it all was.  Every Second.

Take a deep breath and breathe. No more sobbing.  Life isn't over. Smile because it was All worth it.