Learning Every Day

I didn't post one time in June.  Not a single word about how I was doing or how I was feeling.  I felt like I was in a good place.  Working my butt off almost daily at my job, relying on the 2 or 3 hours of free time a day to enjoy some calm. Its hard to enjoy the calm when the calm is no where to be found.  Having my puppy Jackson has been really stressful. Now I knew it would be hard to have a puppy, countless people told me of this challenge, but I didn't realize how personally I would take people being upset with him and his actions.  When you walk into the kitchen in the morning he gets really excited to see you and comes on over to say hello, but in the process he will probably step on your feet and maybe try to pull your pants off.  He's a puppy. He's learning. But Yelling at him to get away isn't necessarily going to make it stop. 

I feel like a majority of the time people are telling him 'no' 'stop' 'quit it' 'git away' 'Jackson Stop!' and I take this really personally.  Why do I internalize other people's reactions to my dog? It makes me upset and feel bad that he is upsetting them.  I feel like he is always in the way or doing something he is not supposed to be doing so I keep him right next to me while we're home.  I close him in the living room so he doesn't bother anyone in the morning.  I keep thinking to myself how great it is going to be when I live with out roommates.  I don't want to live with roommates anymore and stress about leaving a dish out or the counter not completely wiped off.  I want to be able to set my bag down when I get home and not worry about immediately bringing it up to my room.  I really want to be able to leave my awesome and bad ass puppy in the house when I leave for work and not worry about his barking bothering anyone or him getting into someone elses stuff. 

How can you not love this amazing little man?

I have absolutely not been taking care of myself lately. All of the things that I normally do to keep me here are not happening.  I could blame it on many things, but the only thing I can blame is me. I was just home for an entire week with my WHOLE family and I didn't take advantage of it to the fullest.  I had to give myself several time outs and quiet times because I continuously was getting upset and frustrated at small things. And then I got sad. In fact, right now I am sad. I don't always want to be sad, but I am starting to believe that I will have this inside of me forever.  I can keep it piped down and hidden for a while, but then it always seems to creep back up with little option for me to control it.

My yoga teacher and friend Mark Knowles always seems to know when I am down.  He's been teaching me about all the things I have been holding inside, like how you hold resentment and relationships in your hips. My right hip is royally fucked up.  There is no other way to say it other than it super sucks.  I firmly believe that things from my past keep creeping up and setting me in the wrong direction.  Resentment is an interesting thought.  Time to start digging again.  I have to sit down nice and still and quiet and figure out what at this moment is getting to me.  I called my best friend Cassie and she asked all the right questions, I just did not have the right answers.  Looks like it is time for me to find them.