There are Reasons

I just wrote post cards to four of my dearest friends.  Feels so good.  I should buy more post cards, no point having stamps just lying around!

Obviously Neptune was watching me

I am on Day 4 of May Cause Miracles, and I must say its pretty cool. It became apparent yesterday when I was learning a new way to get on my kayak.  I am always so scared of messing up, but I took a step back, said an affirmation, and boom sauce. My coworker (who is training me to be an outstanding kayaker, and has been training people for like 15 years) was impressed.  4 hours later, after we practiced lots of skills like getting up on the chine (side) and using our paddles to steady us while using a low brace, and later paddling all the way to the ocean, we finally made it back to COA. I was exhausted, but totally pretended not to be. Which must have shown as I was barely able to hold up the bow(front) of both kayaks and Will was behind me probably laughing as I struggled.  He told my boss that I did good though. Win!  I got home sunburned of course, and extra exhausted. 

So here is where my journey has taken me so far. There are reasons that you go through what you do, and experience some rough and difficult situations. I'm hoping that some of those situations are over for me and that I can just ride the waves (literally) for a while.  I would love to not have my chest hurt when I think of certain things or to stop having nightmares.  Take 5 deep breaths.  Right now. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Feel your chest move. Close your eyes. See where it takes you.

Inspired and Unstoppable

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. Such a poor decision on my part, because now I am really having a difficult time of picking up the pieces and getting things back in order. Back in order for myself.  I think that is the part that makes me most mad at myself.  Because I can't get things back in order and I am the only player in this game.  No one else that I need to worry about, and I can't even take care of me.

alcohol really does make you depressed. I haven't felt this shitty in a while.  Not like hungover shitty, more like just sad shitty.  And sad with no basis or reason behind it.  I thought that I was supposed to stop crying as much, but instead I am just finding it harder to stop crying and smile.

The book "Inspired and Unstoppable" 

Even though I am reading the book right now, I don't feel inspired at all.  How am I supposed to become unstoppable if I can't even get up enough juice to get inspired.  I watched so much TV this week that I absolutely rotted out a portion of my brain.  I woke up this morning knowing something was up.  Its like I am waiting for something big to happen so that I finally decide to pull my shit together, but nothing is coming forward.  I had very vivid dreams last night that made me miss old friends really bad and also think about some of the more mindless/moronic decisions I have made in the past year or so. I wish I would get my act together and just call them and apologize.  Instead I continue to be scared that nothing will change anyway and wallow in my own self pity.

I start work on Monday at least. My last two days of unemployment are here.  Apparently my new boss is really awesome.  He's having me start this Monday instead of next Monday.  I am excited to start, but I have a lot to learn and I haven't read up or done enough research on my own.  I had all week, but as I was in college I am still an excellent procrastinator.

I need to stop looking.  When I stop looking it will show up and things will be fine.  Life is taking its own course right now, and there isn't much I or anyone can do to control that. It will work out in the end. When I start working things will start to come around.  I have had way too much time in my own head lately.  I much prefer to help other people with their lives and ignore my own.

May Cause Miracles

There is so much that I have thought about today that I wanted to write down here. Haley and I drove back from Asheville earlier which was a 5 hour drive because of traffic. This gave us extra time to talk about our aspiration list.  We decided we are going to create an aspiration board (like my sister has) and put all of our goals on it, hopefully with pictures too.

Part of my 2013 goals is allowing myself to be more spiritual.  I always have been from a young age when I already knew that Catholicism was not my religion. Love is my religion.  I love, unconditionally, so many people and things, and will willingly do anything for so many of these people.  I "fall in love" too easily, but in fact, I have never been in love with anyone. As part of this journey, I will be learning more about other religions, and meditating.  I'm actually really excited to learn how to meditate.  I am in excruciating pain in my right knee when I sit indian style.  Therefor it will be a difficult task to begin to force myself to do so. But when I am able, I know it will be very beneficial and life altering.

Gabby Bernstein recently released a new book called May Cause Miracles. Literally is hot off the shelves, and my sister ordered me a copy.  It is a 40 day guide to miracles, and after reading the introduction and beginning of chapter 1, I am excited to start with Day 1 on Sunday, along with my sister and I think some of her friends.  You have until Sunday to join us by joining our book club on FaceBook, and of course purchasing the book which is about $15.  You may think its dumb, and its hard to get through the first bit. That is because you are scared to do something different and a bit out of the ordinary, while in reality it may be the best decision of your life. Learning more about yourself, how you came to be you, and what you really want out of life can be so satisfying, but you have to trust yourself to be able to do it. Finding your fears may only take 40 days of your life, What are you so worried about? Part of this journey will include meditating, so it will also help me with my goal. Also it will teach me to let go of fears, which I have many, and fill those spaces with love, which is the bomb-digity and exactly what I want.

I begin my new job on February 1st. What I am excited for.  I have a one month 'trial' period to make sure I can lead a tour, lift all the equipment, save someone if they fall in the water, be educational, funny, memorize my skit, organize the office, be in charge of the FaceBook/Twitter/Pinterest/ and website, and overall fit in with the small group of employees. This gives me about 2 weeks off before I start.  I will no longer be working a M-F job with 6am to 5 pm hours.  I may start work early and other times be there until after the sunsets.  Which for right now is short hours, but in July the sun is not completely down until 10. I am really excited though, and am working on finding possibly another job like bringing kids to school in the morning or tutoring.  We'll see if I need it.

I have been super stressed/freaking out about money.  I am going to fall short this month, especially since I took an extra personal day on accident and should have used a sick day instead. They skimmed 213 dollars off my paycheck for that stupid personal day, but honestly being in Philadelphia with my sister was more than worth it. Fear. Not having enough money is one of my biggest fears in life.  I hope I will be able to let that one go.

Let the Miracles Begin

Truths

I'm so sorry boo boo. But you don't to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
-Emma Poliseno

The grass I always greener on the other side

Change. I feel like I am constantly changing. This is a positive thing. I am able to adapt to new circumstances well, and make new friends in new places easily. This is also a negative thing. I have very few constants. It's hard to rely on something when it's so brand new.
I was just thinking about how miserable I have been at my job and how much "better" it's going to be when I have a new one. Is it going to be better? It seems like I have been fairly unhappy at many of my most recent jobs. Then I think to myself, life will be better at the next place I move. But has life really gotten better each place that I move? Not necessarily.

To the average onlooker my life is pretty great. I have a job, an apartment, a car, clothes, and food in my belly. But those are all things. Tangible things. I am fighting this war within myself, with my spirit, identity, and purpose. I expect to much of myself and am upset when the outcomes do not match their potential. For example my teaching. I am so hard on myself and the expectations of my students. Is that why I am constantly upset because no expectations are being met? Is that why I cry everyday at school, my heart hurts, and I feel like such a failure? I have no control of my classes. This is so frustrating and demeaning that I have lost weight, stopped sleeping, and more sad than I have been in a long time. To the point where now I have given up, walked away, and am turning my back. It kind of sucks. I'm actually more mad at myself for giving up then anything, but at the same time I know I need to save my sanity. Save the last thread of hope of getting my shit together.

Is the grass really greener on this side? I guess we'll have to wait and see as I get into the swing of things. Wait and see.

What it's like to have amazing friends

"Hello my friend,
I just wanted to take a minute and tell you that I love you and that you're awesome and these are 5 reasons I think so:

You are one of the most energetic and life-filled people I know. You always liven up a room and it's contagious.

You try really hard to make the people you care about happy because it's important to you

You are always honest even if it doesn't benefit you

You are funny as heck and can make anyone laugh even when they don't want to

You have gone amazing places and have inspired others to look at life with a new perspective. That's priceless.

One day, you will find someone who appreciates those things and more about you, who will notice the smallest things about you that are wonderful that you don't even know about and no one's ever told you before. All the pitfalls in the process are just stepping stones to what you deserve, and IT WILL COME--whether its a job, a boy, a place, or all three--it will come! You're the best and I hope you're doing better my love,"
-

Resigning

Resigning is actually absolutely terrifying.  I thought I would feel a  wave of relief after I hit the send button on my email, but that is not the case just yet.  It was scary typing the letter, and even scarier sending it to my boss.  It takes a lot of courage to back away from a situation like that, especially when you don't know where you are headed next.  I think I felt very comfortable knowing I was getting a nice paycheck every two weeks, had health insurance finally, and wasn't worried about having a job.  But the job itself was driving me into a depression, is that worth it? Is it worth it to be so worked up about work everyday that you are nauseous on the way there, have a hard time getting out of the car in the parking lot, and cry through out your work day?  I don't think that is worth it.  My mentality is worth more than that to me.  It is more important that I am sane enough to help other people, rather than burdening them with my sob stories

I keep asking myself why it was so bad.  Were people mean to you there? Were you bullied? Was the work load too much and you were not prepared to handle it? Were you unprepared from the start and did not realize what you were getting yourself into?  Yes to all of those questions, but on top of that, I am just not the right person for the job.  I carry other peoples emotions with me. I make it my business to try and make other people happy, and I absorb their energies in a way that can either bring me up or bring me down.  At this place there was a lot for me to take on, and I allowed to to bring me down.  Way down. Almost to a place that I was scared to try and get out of. So this has been a good step for me. To get out of this slump and make something better out of it.

It may just be the case that I will not be a teacher just yet. I'm not ready.  I will keep trying though. I will get to where I am supposed to be however that works itself out. When its my time and I am in the right place it will work out for me in all sorts of ways. In life and In love.

Don't Hope So. Know So

"It's understandable to be sad. Take a moment to grieve and recover. It gets better."

My response "OK. I hope so"

"Don't hope so. Know so. You aren't going to die and your world isn't going to end. You are hurting and you need time to recover. But you are not dying and losing your mind. Grieve but put this in perspective. When something becomes our everything and controls our ability to function completely, it is far better for it to be removed from us. No matter how desperately we wish to keep it. Relationships are meant to enhance our lives, not to be the very center of them. You are much more than a relationship. You are more than Burke. You are more than your past and your family. It's seriously time for you to find that person and HER strength.
Think on that. And breath. Don't get lost in grief and miss the big lesson here. You have to believe in Anna and not look for others to verify your value. You are an incredible person and its time for you to begin to examine that."

Hanu Hohonu

Hanu Hohonu - Breathe Deep

Take deep breaths.  Several times a day.  Calm your mind and center your body. Release all of the bad energies that you do not need to be carrying with you. Shake them off and blow them out into the clouds with the exhale of your deep breaths.

Breathe deep is my 2013 resolution.  By the end of 2012 I was so consumed in the downward spiral of my emotions that I forgot to stop and look around, breathe it all in.  I was falling into a despair and was relying on other people to pull me out of it; instead of focusing on myself and how I am the only person who can turn this situation around.  With a crazy, and sad turn of events, I was kicked in the butt to fly home and spend some time with my family on the last day of the year, while also deciding to make the necessary move into a new job.  I will finish out my semester, and put my heart and soul into what I do best, and then I will release all of those negative energies and move on to something new. Something new and better for me mentally and emotionally. 2013 is going to be a good year, I can feel it.  I am going to set up a home base for the first time in years.  This is a good feeling, and I hope I can spread these feelings of hope and joy to those around me.