Inspired and Unstoppable

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. Such a poor decision on my part, because now I am really having a difficult time of picking up the pieces and getting things back in order. Back in order for myself.  I think that is the part that makes me most mad at myself.  Because I can't get things back in order and I am the only player in this game.  No one else that I need to worry about, and I can't even take care of me.

alcohol really does make you depressed. I haven't felt this shitty in a while.  Not like hungover shitty, more like just sad shitty.  And sad with no basis or reason behind it.  I thought that I was supposed to stop crying as much, but instead I am just finding it harder to stop crying and smile.

The book "Inspired and Unstoppable" 

Even though I am reading the book right now, I don't feel inspired at all.  How am I supposed to become unstoppable if I can't even get up enough juice to get inspired.  I watched so much TV this week that I absolutely rotted out a portion of my brain.  I woke up this morning knowing something was up.  Its like I am waiting for something big to happen so that I finally decide to pull my shit together, but nothing is coming forward.  I had very vivid dreams last night that made me miss old friends really bad and also think about some of the more mindless/moronic decisions I have made in the past year or so. I wish I would get my act together and just call them and apologize.  Instead I continue to be scared that nothing will change anyway and wallow in my own self pity.

I start work on Monday at least. My last two days of unemployment are here.  Apparently my new boss is really awesome.  He's having me start this Monday instead of next Monday.  I am excited to start, but I have a lot to learn and I haven't read up or done enough research on my own.  I had all week, but as I was in college I am still an excellent procrastinator.

I need to stop looking.  When I stop looking it will show up and things will be fine.  Life is taking its own course right now, and there isn't much I or anyone can do to control that. It will work out in the end. When I start working things will start to come around.  I have had way too much time in my own head lately.  I much prefer to help other people with their lives and ignore my own.