When I was in Saugerties after leaving Charleston, and on my way to Boston, I said to myself and to others "This is the last time I am doing this. The last time I am moving somewhere temporarily and uprooting myself, my things, and my happiness." I promised myself continuously as I sat solemnly in my childhood bedroom that the next place I would move, after Boston, would be somewhere more permanent. I had also promised myself over a month before that I would be moving on and pursuing something. I didn't and still don't know what that something is, but I would be pursuing it.
Well, it has been over a month now that I have been home, and since moved to Boston. I like it here, sorta. Its freezing and I hate being cold, so that doesn't help. And the traffic is insane. I bet if it was warmer out then I would probably like it a bit more, but its not warm and wont be for a few months.
November though March here, and then back to Charleston to finish what I started at COA. I don't want to keep moving. I don't. Maybe Charleston will be my last, but who knows. There are bigger problems stewing that are hurting my soul. Hurting it so bad that I feel like I don't live in this body.
"Do you really want to be with someone that is living a lie? You are better than that."
- James K.
How do I allow myself to be sucked back into this trap time after time again? It seems so repetitive and silly, yet here I am. It makes me take a harder look on the way that I judge people. People who overeat, or do drugs, or drink to much. I am constantly judging them, but here I am doing the same thing, I just don't wear it on the outside. I keep it very hidden and can often times put it on the back burner while hiding inside.
Do I push through and continue on to the next perfect one or do I try to fix myself, learn from my mistakes and do something better with my choices. I am looking at these life lessons over and over and not learning from them, making the same mistakes. Yet I am looking in all the wrong places at all the wrong men. I need to find the 'right one' not the perfect one. But before that I need to look at myself and my choices. Learn to love myself, and then perhaps it will all come together. Boston is my time to step back and take a look at myself. I have 3 full months before my return to Charleston. 3 months of finding me, who I am, and who the right one really is.
