Sometimes it takes a little while to figure it out. A dog that is not feeling so well to help you realize you are actually not taking the best care of yourself. The realization that you are spending way to much time with this guy that you like and not making friends of your own. You actually have a lot going for you and a great support system too. I actually made some friends when I first moved here. I have people that I can hang out with. There is more to this place! Just not any swimming holes... But there is so much that I haven't totally dived into yet, and I have a ways to go before I am allowed to be actually sad again. Less sad Anna is a way better Anna! Wahoo!

Sadness

Sadness is incredible. It can take over your entire body. My mind, my soul. It grips me so hard and I feel as if I have no control over any of it. The tears, the heartache, almost a true depression. It ebbs and flows, receding for lengths of time where I know it is gone, and then it will come back to get me. It is not one continuous sadness, I am not carrying things from my past with me to continue what I have flowing through me now. But I am most certainly sad at the moment. Holding things in, bottling them up, until the only way for them to escape is through tears and wails. Then anger comes and scares me beyond all anything. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be sad. How long have I been sad like this. I can remember a time in college, in high school. Early on I battled this sadness and now it is back. What have I done to make it better in the past? Yoga, run, bike, play with small children. But even then takes from my heart. Wears me down. I need to do the yoga. To follow through. Clear my head. Was I really happiest when I was going all the time? Maybe I was. Maybe I need to find that again. Find my place and my space and make some friends again. Find the inner Anna who I love and adore so much. Maybe it is my current loss of my yoga practice. Is that what I am missing. The alone time in my head. The need to cry in the silence behind my eyes. Let it leave my body there and be able to take on the rest of my day? Is this it? It must be. I need to go try. I need to try something, because here I am in this funk and I need to get out somehow.