Sadness

Sadness is incredible. It can take over your entire body. My mind, my soul. It grips me so hard and I feel as if I have no control over any of it. The tears, the heartache, almost a true depression. It ebbs and flows, receding for lengths of time where I know it is gone, and then it will come back to get me. It is not one continuous sadness, I am not carrying things from my past with me to continue what I have flowing through me now. But I am most certainly sad at the moment. Holding things in, bottling them up, until the only way for them to escape is through tears and wails. Then anger comes and scares me beyond all anything. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be sad. How long have I been sad like this. I can remember a time in college, in high school. Early on I battled this sadness and now it is back. What have I done to make it better in the past? Yoga, run, bike, play with small children. But even then takes from my heart. Wears me down. I need to do the yoga. To follow through. Clear my head. Was I really happiest when I was going all the time? Maybe I was. Maybe I need to find that again. Find my place and my space and make some friends again. Find the inner Anna who I love and adore so much. Maybe it is my current loss of my yoga practice. Is that what I am missing. The alone time in my head. The need to cry in the silence behind my eyes. Let it leave my body there and be able to take on the rest of my day? Is this it? It must be. I need to go try. I need to try something, because here I am in this funk and I need to get out somehow.