The Right One

 When I was in Saugerties after leaving Charleston, and on my way to Boston, I said to myself and to others "This is the last time I am doing this.  The last time I am moving somewhere temporarily and uprooting myself, my things, and my happiness." I promised myself continuously as I sat solemnly in my childhood bedroom that the next place I would move, after Boston, would be somewhere more permanent. I had also promised myself over a month before that I would be moving on and pursuing something. I didn't and still don't know what that something is, but I would be pursuing it.
Well, it has been over a month now that I have been home, and since moved to Boston.  I like it here, sorta.  Its freezing and I hate being cold, so that doesn't help. And the traffic is insane. I bet if it was warmer out then I would probably like it a bit more, but its not warm and wont be for a few months.
November though March here, and then back to Charleston to finish what I started at COA. I don't want to keep moving. I don't. Maybe Charleston will be my last, but who knows. There are bigger problems stewing that are hurting my soul. Hurting it so bad that I feel like I don't live in this body.

"Do you really want to be with someone that is living a lie?  You are better than that." 
- James K.


How do I allow myself to be sucked back into this trap time after time again? It seems so repetitive and silly, yet here I am. It makes me take a harder look on the way that I judge people. People who overeat, or do drugs, or drink to much. I am constantly judging them, but here I am doing the same thing, I just don't wear it on the outside. I keep it very hidden and can often times put it on the back burner while hiding inside.
Do I push through and continue on to the next perfect one or do I try to fix myself, learn from my mistakes and do something better with my choices. I am looking at these life lessons over and over and not learning from them, making the same mistakes. Yet I am looking in all the wrong places at all the wrong men. I need to find the 'right one' not the perfect one. But before that I need to look at myself and my choices.  Learn to love myself, and then perhaps it will all come together. Boston is my time to step back and take a look at myself. I have 3 full months before my return to Charleston. 3 months of finding me, who I am, and who the right one really is.

Take a step back

Let me take a step back for a second.  So I was working my butt off in Charleston all summer, knowing that I was moving to Boston the beginning of November. I packed up my stuff to put into a Uhaul when I moved from my sweet bedroom upstairs to the dining room downstairs for a month so that the new girl could move in early.  The dining room wasn't really so bad. For the most part I had the whole downstairs to myself since everyone spent a lot of time in their rooms upstairs.  I spent a lot of time taking Jackson on walks and sitting on our dock.  I took him to the beach early in the morning so we could watch the sun come up.

This recent Saturday I had a total meltdown.  I had a few smaller ones leading up to it over the course of two weeks, but this was a big one.

My last evenings on the boat.

 I've been so sad and have been having such a hard time letting things from my past go.  I hold them all inside of me and let them weigh me down, so frustrating.  Then I get mad, angry, frustrated, and upset with myself because I am sad, which of course makes things worse.
Starting my journey now on being truly happy. Or finding what it really is that I am looking for.  Make myself happy, and then I can let someone else into my life. For now it is just Jackson and I. I kind of like it. He certainly does.




I want to be brave. I miss my sunrises. I miss the warmth on my skin. I love the way the sky changes colors when the sun moves through it. It sends so many amazing messages about change, continual growth, and not settling for the small things. 

Happiness

I know it has been a while, and I have missed writing. I always think about how much I like to write, and then for the last two months I made conscious decisions not to. Why? I was doing things that made me happy instead. But were they actually making me happy?
Since late August I have had some of the best, most heartfelt, and wonderful times of my life.  And living in those moments for long hours past helped me put aside many things and push the rest to a distant back burner. Sadly, I was allowing my happiness to depend on someone else, which was truly amazing. But what comes out of all that is the realization that I truly need to be happy with myself before I can allow someone else in.  I was caught up and swept off my feet in this wonderful place, somewhere that I would love to go back to, but not before I take care of myself. I need to be able to be happy even when I am alone. Alone. I need to be able to be alone. Its hard even just to write that.
I couldn't be more grateful for my friends.  I have had to put a lot of trust in some of my closest friends this week, dumping my soul onto them while I was crashing. Apparently I was storing a lot inside that all decided to come flooding out over the past week or two, since I left Charleston.  Leaving helps you realize a lot. I realized how much I really care about someone and want them to be a part of my life. I realized how much I loved the house I was living in. I also realized how much I really like the island that I work on, that place is such a safe zone for me.
I know it will be hard for me to get my shit together. It always will be hard, but I know I need to work on it. I keep that in the foreground at all times. If someone or something is hurting you, then you need to let it go. I am letting go the people or things that make me unhappy, its not worth it. I don't want to waste the energy I have thinking about things I can't control or are not something I should be trying to control. I want this pain in my chest to go away. It make my shoulders tense and so hard to breathe.
The hardest thing is realizing that I left a part of me in Charleston. I gave it away without knowing if it will be properly taken care of or if it will be tossed away. Healing takes time, but I have a lot of that here in Boston. All the time in the world for the next 4 or so months.
I know my words are totally scattered. There is a lot that I want to put down, but for now vague is how it will be.
I want to keep my journey. I want to write about it so I can come back, look, and see how I have changed since early November. Emotionally, Mentally, even Physically.
Early November:
Physically in great shape. Eating well, lots of yoga.
Mentally in a good place, know where I am heading and what I am about to take on.
Emotionally a wreck. Total meltdown/breakdowns without warning. Support system being utilized fully, but emotionally alone can't hold myself together for anything. Having a very hard time being alone. Haven't gone 24 hours without crying.
Month 1 

Goals

I want to set goals.  Actual Goals. Attainable realistic goals that I will pursue wholeheartedly.

Dawn from my dock with ducks

I am going to start with the sunrise.  I want to, everyday, as soon as I get up, walk outside onto my dock with Jackson and look out at the sun coming up from the East.  Take a breath and just stand there without thinking about my day or past days.

Along side of that, I want to meditate. Thanks to my sister, I now have a hands on meditation guide to start me off this week.  She asked me to do it every day for this entire upcoming week, so this will be a good jump start to my goal of meditating at least 3 times per week, but I would like that to increase as time goes on.



I started the Whole Life Challenge on Saturday, and I would really like to excel at it.  Right now both of my sisters are kicking my butt, but I would like to really make a conscious decision to follow the rules and get lots of points. Only 52 more days.

See, I'm making progress

Yoga has been so great for me.  I know it was a past goal, and I have done well at it. Done well at going, but as Mark Knowles keeps reminding us during class, "You have to push harder, go farther, and be stubborn about it." I'm not going there to 'get flexible', I really want to get more out of it. More for my mind and spirit.




I would like to stop eating cookies for dinner.  They are not a good source of vitamins or minerals.

Sunrise is so simply complex

 
 Starting with these seems reasonable.  Let's see how I do.

26

Listen to my favorite song while you read
I turned 25 in the wake before disaster. Sitting in my classroom sorting through the previous years teacher's crap that she decided to leave behind for me to deal with. 14 hours in my classroom that day. I had arrived in Charleston 5 days earlier. No friends yet to rely on or a place that felt like home I could escape to. My roommate was out at the bar but I was to tired to go so I stayed home.

I turned 25 on a Thursday in August in a new city that was hotter than anything I had ever experienced or was prepared for. Just after driving for days across the country with Cassie, I was now stationary in a new place.

I was 25 for my first 'real' job with benefits. I was 25 while I quit that job. I was 25 when I fell in love for the first time, and 25 when I had my heart broken for the first time. I got Jackson, the highlight of all of this, and was able to keep him with me at work for far longer than most people get the privilege of.

I remained in Charleston for the entire year.  The first time since I was 17 that I haven't moved throughout the course of a year.

I believe that you meet certain people for very specific reasons.  You have people in your life to support you, guide you, help you, lead you, and show you the right way.  These can all be different people, and you might have multiple people who play the same role.  Friends who guide you out of depression, and away from negative thoughts and tears.  I have these friends, lots of them.  One thing that 25 did was show me who these people are in my life.  They came from everywhere to get me out of one depression and another.  They are in my life right now, calling me and sending me their love to help me get on my feet.  Something happened in July, and I am still not sure what, but I haven't recovered from it yet.   I seem to be stuck somewhere and am having a hard time finding my way out.

26 will be about finding my way out. Waiting until fate happens to find out where I am supposed to be. No more predetermined moves that may be wrong or right.  Charleston may have been neither right nor wrong, but it was certainly where I was supposed to be this year. I know a few people who will back me up when I say I made an impact in a few different places and to a few different people this year.

I wish I knew where I would be a year from now. But I don't.  I thought I would be in Hawaii, for a whole month I thought that certain circumstances where going to lead me there, but now that those influences are no longer playing a role in my future, I don't know where 26 will take me.  Maybe it will be back to Hawaii.  The only thing I know for certain is that I need to be somewhere with real friends. Like-minded friends. I have been missing out on a few of my favorite things because I haven't been making good choices. Mary told me that I need to be able to make myself happy. I have been waiting and relying on other people to do so. More importantly, I have been relying on guys to make me happy.  That is wrong. I am the only person who can make myself happy, and if that means that I am going to be alone for a while, then that is the case.  I have to look out for myself better, take care of myself better.  Look up at the stars and ask them for advice.  Hug my puppy and drink tea. Eat real food in my own kitchen. Do my job at a more than satisfactory level. Go to yoga as often as it fits in my schedule. Kick ass when I'm playing soccer. Get my hair more blonde in the sun. Stand outside in the wind and take deep breaths. Because that is the only thing that matters.

I would like to say a special thank you to everyone that was here and there for me this past year. Most especially to my family for getting me out of Charleston within hours of my heart shattering after Christmas. To Katina and Michelle S for bringing me back to life. To Max for saving my soul yesterday. To Michelle W for always looking out for me. To Haley, Kevin, Laura, Keysa, Emma, Nick, Val, Rachel, Charity, Patrick and Nicole for being there for me always. To Geoff, Sam, Anthony, and Brian Jennings for always knowing when I need them. To Cassie for making my dreams come true. To Chelsea for understanding my inner battle. To Mark for showing and explaining the right way, I could not have imagined a better teacher. And to my sister Mary, it makes me cry thinking how far away you are. Thank you for always picking up the phone.

Bulls Island

An entire summer gone in a blink of an eye.  In between sobs you hear the word No.  No I don't want it to be over. No this isn't how it is supposed to end.  Why does it have to end so fast.  Why did it even have to happen at all.  Was it even worth it? Because right now it doesn't seem like it was, but after going through each detail step by step with a dear friend Max, you realize it all was.  Every Second.

Take a deep breath and breathe. No more sobbing.  Life isn't over. Smile because it was All worth it.

Learning Every Day

I didn't post one time in June.  Not a single word about how I was doing or how I was feeling.  I felt like I was in a good place.  Working my butt off almost daily at my job, relying on the 2 or 3 hours of free time a day to enjoy some calm. Its hard to enjoy the calm when the calm is no where to be found.  Having my puppy Jackson has been really stressful. Now I knew it would be hard to have a puppy, countless people told me of this challenge, but I didn't realize how personally I would take people being upset with him and his actions.  When you walk into the kitchen in the morning he gets really excited to see you and comes on over to say hello, but in the process he will probably step on your feet and maybe try to pull your pants off.  He's a puppy. He's learning. But Yelling at him to get away isn't necessarily going to make it stop. 

I feel like a majority of the time people are telling him 'no' 'stop' 'quit it' 'git away' 'Jackson Stop!' and I take this really personally.  Why do I internalize other people's reactions to my dog? It makes me upset and feel bad that he is upsetting them.  I feel like he is always in the way or doing something he is not supposed to be doing so I keep him right next to me while we're home.  I close him in the living room so he doesn't bother anyone in the morning.  I keep thinking to myself how great it is going to be when I live with out roommates.  I don't want to live with roommates anymore and stress about leaving a dish out or the counter not completely wiped off.  I want to be able to set my bag down when I get home and not worry about immediately bringing it up to my room.  I really want to be able to leave my awesome and bad ass puppy in the house when I leave for work and not worry about his barking bothering anyone or him getting into someone elses stuff. 

How can you not love this amazing little man?

I have absolutely not been taking care of myself lately. All of the things that I normally do to keep me here are not happening.  I could blame it on many things, but the only thing I can blame is me. I was just home for an entire week with my WHOLE family and I didn't take advantage of it to the fullest.  I had to give myself several time outs and quiet times because I continuously was getting upset and frustrated at small things. And then I got sad. In fact, right now I am sad. I don't always want to be sad, but I am starting to believe that I will have this inside of me forever.  I can keep it piped down and hidden for a while, but then it always seems to creep back up with little option for me to control it.

My yoga teacher and friend Mark Knowles always seems to know when I am down.  He's been teaching me about all the things I have been holding inside, like how you hold resentment and relationships in your hips. My right hip is royally fucked up.  There is no other way to say it other than it super sucks.  I firmly believe that things from my past keep creeping up and setting me in the wrong direction.  Resentment is an interesting thought.  Time to start digging again.  I have to sit down nice and still and quiet and figure out what at this moment is getting to me.  I called my best friend Cassie and she asked all the right questions, I just did not have the right answers.  Looks like it is time for me to find them.

What your momma told you

Moms always say that if you don't take care of yourself you will get sick, or if you leave the house with wet hair. Well, I always wore a hat to school if I took a shower in the morning.
What I haven't been doing is taking care of myself. Over the past few days I've been at work for approximately 10 hours each day. In that ten hours I have definitely not drank enough water, put on enough sun screen, or eaten enough healthy food. I did, however, pound an amazing amount of chocolate covered almonds. Well my hair is platinum blond now and my skin is super dark, and I feel like shit.  Who gets a cold during the summer?

Take a moment

Take a moment and think about something that is making you happy right now. I smile as multiple things come rushing through my mind that make me happy. I just got off the phone with James because I was freaking out about my bank account balance.  Pretty much slim to no money in there right now. I was checking out at the vet and the total came up to be $200. Two hundred dollars? Really? Holy crap.  Jackson is having an allergic reaction to something, so along with his Parvo, Lime, and Rabies vaccine, this boy just racked up a huge bill.
I took a few days off from work recently, and since I am paid hourly now that really affected me.  I know the season is going to pick up really soon and I will be working a ton of hours, but right now it is really hitting me hard that I am so broke.  Of course, being me I started to get really upset, plan out my whole next months worth of bills and freak about my school loans that are going to start rolling in this August.
Take a deep breath.  I just happened to click on my sisters blog and it instantly made me feel so much better. Read that, it will make you feel better too.  So then I sat here and thought of something that makes me really happy. I came up with a bunch.  My great friend Patrick Ryan called me at 6 this morning while he was on his way to work and I was on my way to yoga. He knew I had been having a rough time the previous day and wanted to catch up.  Alianne Tracey dropped everything to skype with me yesterday for 45 minutes and I burnt 3 out my 4 batches of cookies during our conversation. Jackson is the most kick ass dog in the whole world. I live with these 2 amazing girls now, on a lake, in an awesome house.

Look at what great things I am being surrounded by, even just at this moment! So I am offering up my low balance in my bank account to the universe and I know it will work out. I'll get my next paycheck before my rent is due, and our summer rental will be worth every penny that I am spending on it. I will not starve to death. I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head.  I have a garden outside that I just planted and I have more than enough things to do at home to occupy my mind/time.
That was the last vet visit for an entire year hopefully. He has his rabies vaccine so we can finally go to the dog park if we want. Not that Jackson needs a fenced in area, he likes to be crazy all on his own. 
Phew I need to take three more deep breaths. I am so happy in life, I need to chill out about the money stuff!

Using Your Past

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, tucked into bed late at night, and I don't have the internet password yet, nor do I have the charger to my computer. So I decided to look through some pictures. I landed upon these amazing pictures of the camp that I worked at for 6 amazing summers. To be able to hang out with these young lives during the summer when so much learning and love is capable of happening is something that stays with you forever.

You can feel the love

There was this one boy who had a really cool A name that I want to keep in mind for when I have kids. He was Autistic, but on the “high functioning end of the spectrum” as his parents pointed out to me on the very first day of camp. He and his sister were with me for the entire 6 weeks of summer. It was interesting to me, as a studier of education/special education, a recent grad of college and still pursuing my masters, that the mom felt she absolutely needed to point out the high functioning part to me. But looking back now I am so glad that she did. So many people hear the word autistic and will automatically label someone. Boom: He's different and should be treated as such. This boy and I did a lot of hanging out that summer. We had to take some time outs along with some recentering of ourselves in front of the schedule, but boy did I learn the most from him. More than any other child that I have had at camp or taught. Memories of the two of us stick with me to this day, and I reflect on them during different situations to make sure I am being the best person I can be.

I remember one of the final days of summer when we were flying a kite on the grass just having a blast. Instead of being frustrated by the amount of questions, needed precision, and frustration, the two of us hung out and figured it out together. Making that kite fly. That is a choice you know. Patience with a small child. Especially a child who may not be able to turn something off inside and you have to hang on a little bit tighter, a little bit longer before losing your cool.

Mimo and Julian. The best of the best

When I came back for my yearly visit last summer he was in the next group up. It was hard for me to watch another counselor not have as much patience. To not spend that extra moment explaining the schedule and why we had to put on our sun screen and grab our towel in order to go to the pool before yelling at him to hurry up and get moving. That made me want to be a teacher and get in there more than ever. I stood back though.

My Jack.I still wear the bracelet he made me when he was 8

What happened to that drive of teaching? Babysitting tonight I had less patience than ever. I caught myself snapping and being upset at things that normal 5 year olds do. This boy in particular will push things to the absolute limit, so it is quite hard to not lose your cool, but where did my love go? Why can I not hang on just a little bit harder and share my love anymore. I think I am so frustrated deep inside because of this internal dilemma now about teaching. Do I still want to? Am I going to be a kayak tour guide for a long time? I am moving in with my sister Angela in Boston this winter. She asked me if I would nanny for her as she pops her fourth one out. Absolutely. Maybe this summer of kayaking will get me balanced. Will give me a chance to check in with myself. Then I will be able to reconnect this winter. I need to get in the right mind set though first I think. Self reflection get me there and memories of camp keep me strong.

Never Have I Ever...

See. Don't they look dumb?

Remember that game?  One of my favorites at parties.  It can be really fun OR really uncomfortable.  Learning things about people just by watching them take a sip of beer after a specific question, or putting a finger down because they are included in the group. Somehow that game always turns sexual, I don't recommend for the younger crowds.






Ok but to the point of this post.

Never have I ever felt like I was inspiring people.  I feel like I am inspiring myself sometimes, but other people? Thats pretty awesome. Its important to hear those kinds of things from other people, its almost like it keeps me going.  Like at a time like this.  Its Easter, I'm at my apartment alone, and I'm lonely. The same thing happened on Christmas.  Its interesting because prior to both holidays I was completely sure about being home alone, but then the time comes and I feel completely left out. Alone.
Waves of sadness pass over me.  Will this be something I struggle with my whole life? A whole month of complete happiness and then just another fresh wave flows in. Passing over me and bringing me down.

I got this awesome puppy named Jackson from my mom this week.  He rules, and as you can tell from FB, loves to sleep a lot.  He is great at following me around and just hanging out at work with me, but he also loves to chew on my legs.  I'm working on that one don't worry. He is keeping me company for sure.  I want to talk to people about being sad, but its hard. I don't want to bring other people down.  Thank God I have a job where I am appreciated now because that helps bring me up every time I drive onto Bowens Island. So, having a crappy job cannot be anywhere in the future for me.

Sending out positive energy. I got a letter in the mail from my best friend in high school letting me know that my attitude and experiences are contagious, that they bring other people up.  I like that.  What I am doing makes me so happy.  I hope someday that my sister really does open her own retreat so that I can be a life coach and make it my job to inspire other people.  What do you think? Time to go inspire myself and DO something for myself on my day off on Easter. I think I hear Folly Beach calling.

This is for all of my nerd friends from college

Two Months

My favorite affirmation that I have learned and manifest this 2013 is "I accept that I am a messenger for love".  Notice that it doesn't say a messenger OF love.  I believe this brings it a different meaning. I am not the one receiving this love, I am the messenger of it.  Bringing it from one person to another.  I love being here for my friends when they need advice.  I am trying to live by my own words too.  You know how some people will tell you awesome advice, but then they wont follow it at all themselves? I don't want to be that person. I want to be me, and exactly who I am supposed to be.

I decided at the end of 2012 that I wanted to be happy.  I told that to the universe, and I accepted my consequences of what needed to happen in order for me to be happy. The universe took my words and whispered them in the ears of others, and together it began happening.  I found my way out of an imperfect relationship that was constantly upsetting me and out of an unhealthy job that was literally making my body and mind fall apart.  Today is two months since the last day of my job. Two months since I have broken down crying at the most inappropriate times for sometimes NO reason. One full month that I have been off anti-depressants. Everyday I feel better.  I want to put it out there to the world, and out there to those who are in pain, that getting out of a bad situation is really really hard.  And it doesn't just automatically get better the day you get out.  There is honestly a healing process and a period of time in which you need to give your body to heal, to sleep extra. It was over a week before I even started to feel like myself again. And a month before I really saw the Anna Banana that I am most comfortable with coming out.

This past Saturday night at a good friends bachelorette party I saw that Anna come full force.  I was bossy and leading the pack, my main goal that everyone was having a good time and was happy with what we were doing.  I talked to a manager at the one bar, and talked to lots of strangers to make sure the bride-to-be was getting a free shot or two :) It hurt me to know that because of a silly Facebook comment her fiance was upset with me and her, and I was doing everything I could to make that right.  I hope, pray, and beg that when I am getting married and the time for my bachelorette party arises that I am not made to feel guilty, ashamed, or bad by my significant other.  It is the one day where you get to go out with all of your girl friends and have a blast.  Friends from all over getting babysitters and plane tickets to spend one special night with you. Why should you feel bad about that? Especially when it was literally a girls night and we were all just dancing and laughing together.  The threat of a strip club is a much different offense. 

Tomorrow I am leading my first tour.  I am pretty nervous.  I am also very sick right now, and slept for 13 hours last night, and woke up today still feeling pretty crappy, but I'm a Sullivan, I'll pull through.  I am going to take my sisters advice also.  I am going to imagine how awesome my tour is, and how much everyone appreciates it and learns on it.  Its gonna be an awesome tour.  And then they are going to write an amazing review about me on trip adviser.  And then I will be famous.  And they will tip me.  Lots.

Did I mention I am getting a puppy next week? I am so freaking excited I can't even explain it.

If you are unhappy with what you are doing then you need to change something.  Life is NOT about working a crappy job just to pay your loans off as fast as possible. Life is not about being miserable because you feel like you are stuck just to make ends meet. Believe in yourself. Your body is stronger than you give it credit for.

Reflecting on Me

My false perceptions of my body are an attack, Today I choose love instead of my Ego's perceptions. 


I just started on Week 3 in May Cause Miracles yesterday which is about body image.  I guess I have always been lucky in that aspect and have always been pretty small (except freshman year of college and my freshman 20 tire, but that is another story.  Damn all you can eat meals at college!). Gabby says how you can do a lot of different things that affect how much you love your body and letting your ego take over.  I thought I would share two funny stories, one of which I don't think Mary has ever known about.
To begin; in high school I had my first Victories Secret experience thanks to the fabulous Ancolie Martelly.  I decided I was a size extra small in the undies department.  God only know why.  Well, after that 5 pairs for $20, I felt awesome, and had amazing, painfully visible underwear lines to prove it. For like 2 years... Since growing up a Sullivan meant you didn't get to buy stuff very often and being the youngest of 4 girls meant you got a lot of hand-me-downs, I cherished that purchase. There was also a 7 year gap between the next oldest and I, so I didn't have any female advice and seemed to figure it all out on my own. The funny thing was those panty lines never really seemed to bother me. I'm sure I was made fun of quite a bit, but I almost don't remember really caring about those lines from my underwear.  Which leads me in to my second story.
I remember in 7th or 8th grade I was going to my school dance in the Bingo Hall (yup, gotta love Catholic school). I had on a REAL bra for maybe the first time ever (found it in Mary's drawer), I was wearing a spaghetti strapped tank top(Oh boy!), and I was wearing this blue sweater that I found in Mary's closet. The material made it so it had lots of holes is what I remember, so maybe it was kinda crocheted?? But I remember it being brilliant blue and I felt like I looked awesome for the first time ever. I had negative self-confidence back in grade school, so this was major for me.  Next thing I remember is being in a group with a bunch of 'friends' and they were all making fun of me for stuffing my bra.  (I didn't know what that meant, nor had I done it) They made fun of me so bad all night and onward for all kinds of stuff like that. And I took it pretty hard.  I was a pretty sad kid for a while, allowing my ego to take over and tell me how ugly and awful I am. I had borrowed my awesome older sister's clothes though!! How could I have not looked great?! Those girls and guys didn't seem to think so.

Looking back now though, I know those girls were jealous.  I was better at sports, I didn't have to die my hair, I wasn't smoking cigarettes, and in the end I did have friends.  I never hung out with anyone from my class, which is how I ended up finding my best friend in the world Cassandra 'Kovac' Kennedy and being loved thoroughly by her mom too.
I have always let my ego take over about how I look. Its cool to let that go though.  In May Cause Miracles, you learn to replace ego with love.  I look at myself and its just different.  I'm not judging myself.  I've never been one of those girls who grabs her (nonexistent) belly fat and complains about how she has to get rid of it. Thank God because those girls need to get over that.  It is an awful way to feel about yourself.  I've never been one of those girls to step on a scale and freak about how I need to lose one pound.  Those girls need to ditch their scales. I guess I was lucky in that department. But that doesn't meant that as far as this weeks reflections though that I am a Golden Girl.  I still have a lot of work to do.  Bring on the miracles.

And Fuck those girls from grade school.  No wonder they never left home, never made it to college, and have never experienced the awesomeness of the world. They sucked.




A response I received from a forever friend-Patrick Masterson
"I remember a time back in 6th or 7th grade when I was at a Coleman awards ceremony for one of my sisters, I think it was Sarah. I was sitting at a table doing my homework and trying my best not to be noticed by anyone. Then, out of nowhere a very outgoing and flirtatious blonde girl plops herself down next to me along with about about 50 of her books, introduces herself as "Anna Sullivan", and insists on knowing everything about me. You seemed pretty happy to learn that your brother (Andrew) and my sister (Sarah) were in the same class. You also seemed ecstatic to learn that we would be in the same class at Coleman in a few years. I didn't know what to think at the time because I had never met such an outgoing girl before, and honestly I just wanted to sit in the corner by myself and finish my homework. Low and behold, a few years later you and I are freshman classmates at Coleman where we become friends and still are to this day and I count you as one of my best and closest friends for life. So, thank you for sitting next me and doing your homework that one day in 6th grade Anna Banana. I love you!"

How Yoga is Changing Me

This morning in yoga I went to a "warm flow Friday" class. The teacher does her practice differently than what I am used to, so there was a lot more focus that went into it than I normally have to put in. It was interesting how my mind stopped wondering.  That is normally my goal during my practice, and for once, almost the entire class I was just one with my body and inside of my own being. It was cool how without thinking about keeping my thoughts from wondering, they actually weren't wondering. haha I like thinking about my own thoughts.

My favorite part of yoga is the different teachers. One of my favorites says the best stuff before she begins class. "You have already done the hardest part, you showed up." Its so true.  The absolute hardest part is showing up.  I usually get really down and hard on myself during class because I can't do most of the poses nearly as well as everyone else in the room. Then I look around again and remind myself that I am there.  All of the other inflexible people didn't even make it through the door. And the best part is, Every class I get better.  Every class I am able to do something a little bit better. My hip has started opening up, and I am able to balance on one leg even better now.

I like that hour and a half of self reflection everyday. Its my Anna time, where I am not thinking about work, friends, boys... I'm not remembering how sad I was this past fall, or how I am struggling for money. I am just in the moment, staying in the present. I highly recommend it to other people as one of the best long term decisions I have made to keep up with.  I am healthier both mentally and physically, and my coping mechanisms for the world around me are also better.

I will allow you to picture my yoga practice looking somewhat like this

In general I am just so much happier in life.  I really love my new job, and the people I am working with are awesome too. Even though the water is going to be freezing when they flip me over, I'm even excited to roll my kayak. My right leg keeps falling asleep whenever I'm out in the kayak for more than 5 minutes, but even that isn't getting me down. I'm grateful for how my life is working out.  I have a lot of good things coming for me, and I'm glad I'm able to embrace them.

Keep on keepin' on.

There are Reasons

I just wrote post cards to four of my dearest friends.  Feels so good.  I should buy more post cards, no point having stamps just lying around!

Obviously Neptune was watching me

I am on Day 4 of May Cause Miracles, and I must say its pretty cool. It became apparent yesterday when I was learning a new way to get on my kayak.  I am always so scared of messing up, but I took a step back, said an affirmation, and boom sauce. My coworker (who is training me to be an outstanding kayaker, and has been training people for like 15 years) was impressed.  4 hours later, after we practiced lots of skills like getting up on the chine (side) and using our paddles to steady us while using a low brace, and later paddling all the way to the ocean, we finally made it back to COA. I was exhausted, but totally pretended not to be. Which must have shown as I was barely able to hold up the bow(front) of both kayaks and Will was behind me probably laughing as I struggled.  He told my boss that I did good though. Win!  I got home sunburned of course, and extra exhausted. 

So here is where my journey has taken me so far. There are reasons that you go through what you do, and experience some rough and difficult situations. I'm hoping that some of those situations are over for me and that I can just ride the waves (literally) for a while.  I would love to not have my chest hurt when I think of certain things or to stop having nightmares.  Take 5 deep breaths.  Right now. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Feel your chest move. Close your eyes. See where it takes you.

Inspired and Unstoppable

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. Such a poor decision on my part, because now I am really having a difficult time of picking up the pieces and getting things back in order. Back in order for myself.  I think that is the part that makes me most mad at myself.  Because I can't get things back in order and I am the only player in this game.  No one else that I need to worry about, and I can't even take care of me.

alcohol really does make you depressed. I haven't felt this shitty in a while.  Not like hungover shitty, more like just sad shitty.  And sad with no basis or reason behind it.  I thought that I was supposed to stop crying as much, but instead I am just finding it harder to stop crying and smile.

The book "Inspired and Unstoppable" 

Even though I am reading the book right now, I don't feel inspired at all.  How am I supposed to become unstoppable if I can't even get up enough juice to get inspired.  I watched so much TV this week that I absolutely rotted out a portion of my brain.  I woke up this morning knowing something was up.  Its like I am waiting for something big to happen so that I finally decide to pull my shit together, but nothing is coming forward.  I had very vivid dreams last night that made me miss old friends really bad and also think about some of the more mindless/moronic decisions I have made in the past year or so. I wish I would get my act together and just call them and apologize.  Instead I continue to be scared that nothing will change anyway and wallow in my own self pity.

I start work on Monday at least. My last two days of unemployment are here.  Apparently my new boss is really awesome.  He's having me start this Monday instead of next Monday.  I am excited to start, but I have a lot to learn and I haven't read up or done enough research on my own.  I had all week, but as I was in college I am still an excellent procrastinator.

I need to stop looking.  When I stop looking it will show up and things will be fine.  Life is taking its own course right now, and there isn't much I or anyone can do to control that. It will work out in the end. When I start working things will start to come around.  I have had way too much time in my own head lately.  I much prefer to help other people with their lives and ignore my own.

May Cause Miracles

There is so much that I have thought about today that I wanted to write down here. Haley and I drove back from Asheville earlier which was a 5 hour drive because of traffic. This gave us extra time to talk about our aspiration list.  We decided we are going to create an aspiration board (like my sister has) and put all of our goals on it, hopefully with pictures too.

Part of my 2013 goals is allowing myself to be more spiritual.  I always have been from a young age when I already knew that Catholicism was not my religion. Love is my religion.  I love, unconditionally, so many people and things, and will willingly do anything for so many of these people.  I "fall in love" too easily, but in fact, I have never been in love with anyone. As part of this journey, I will be learning more about other religions, and meditating.  I'm actually really excited to learn how to meditate.  I am in excruciating pain in my right knee when I sit indian style.  Therefor it will be a difficult task to begin to force myself to do so. But when I am able, I know it will be very beneficial and life altering.

Gabby Bernstein recently released a new book called May Cause Miracles. Literally is hot off the shelves, and my sister ordered me a copy.  It is a 40 day guide to miracles, and after reading the introduction and beginning of chapter 1, I am excited to start with Day 1 on Sunday, along with my sister and I think some of her friends.  You have until Sunday to join us by joining our book club on FaceBook, and of course purchasing the book which is about $15.  You may think its dumb, and its hard to get through the first bit. That is because you are scared to do something different and a bit out of the ordinary, while in reality it may be the best decision of your life. Learning more about yourself, how you came to be you, and what you really want out of life can be so satisfying, but you have to trust yourself to be able to do it. Finding your fears may only take 40 days of your life, What are you so worried about? Part of this journey will include meditating, so it will also help me with my goal. Also it will teach me to let go of fears, which I have many, and fill those spaces with love, which is the bomb-digity and exactly what I want.

I begin my new job on February 1st. What I am excited for.  I have a one month 'trial' period to make sure I can lead a tour, lift all the equipment, save someone if they fall in the water, be educational, funny, memorize my skit, organize the office, be in charge of the FaceBook/Twitter/Pinterest/ and website, and overall fit in with the small group of employees. This gives me about 2 weeks off before I start.  I will no longer be working a M-F job with 6am to 5 pm hours.  I may start work early and other times be there until after the sunsets.  Which for right now is short hours, but in July the sun is not completely down until 10. I am really excited though, and am working on finding possibly another job like bringing kids to school in the morning or tutoring.  We'll see if I need it.

I have been super stressed/freaking out about money.  I am going to fall short this month, especially since I took an extra personal day on accident and should have used a sick day instead. They skimmed 213 dollars off my paycheck for that stupid personal day, but honestly being in Philadelphia with my sister was more than worth it. Fear. Not having enough money is one of my biggest fears in life.  I hope I will be able to let that one go.

Let the Miracles Begin

Truths

I'm so sorry boo boo. But you don't to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
-Emma Poliseno

The grass I always greener on the other side

Change. I feel like I am constantly changing. This is a positive thing. I am able to adapt to new circumstances well, and make new friends in new places easily. This is also a negative thing. I have very few constants. It's hard to rely on something when it's so brand new.
I was just thinking about how miserable I have been at my job and how much "better" it's going to be when I have a new one. Is it going to be better? It seems like I have been fairly unhappy at many of my most recent jobs. Then I think to myself, life will be better at the next place I move. But has life really gotten better each place that I move? Not necessarily.

To the average onlooker my life is pretty great. I have a job, an apartment, a car, clothes, and food in my belly. But those are all things. Tangible things. I am fighting this war within myself, with my spirit, identity, and purpose. I expect to much of myself and am upset when the outcomes do not match their potential. For example my teaching. I am so hard on myself and the expectations of my students. Is that why I am constantly upset because no expectations are being met? Is that why I cry everyday at school, my heart hurts, and I feel like such a failure? I have no control of my classes. This is so frustrating and demeaning that I have lost weight, stopped sleeping, and more sad than I have been in a long time. To the point where now I have given up, walked away, and am turning my back. It kind of sucks. I'm actually more mad at myself for giving up then anything, but at the same time I know I need to save my sanity. Save the last thread of hope of getting my shit together.

Is the grass really greener on this side? I guess we'll have to wait and see as I get into the swing of things. Wait and see.

What it's like to have amazing friends

"Hello my friend,
I just wanted to take a minute and tell you that I love you and that you're awesome and these are 5 reasons I think so:

You are one of the most energetic and life-filled people I know. You always liven up a room and it's contagious.

You try really hard to make the people you care about happy because it's important to you

You are always honest even if it doesn't benefit you

You are funny as heck and can make anyone laugh even when they don't want to

You have gone amazing places and have inspired others to look at life with a new perspective. That's priceless.

One day, you will find someone who appreciates those things and more about you, who will notice the smallest things about you that are wonderful that you don't even know about and no one's ever told you before. All the pitfalls in the process are just stepping stones to what you deserve, and IT WILL COME--whether its a job, a boy, a place, or all three--it will come! You're the best and I hope you're doing better my love,"
-

Resigning

Resigning is actually absolutely terrifying.  I thought I would feel a  wave of relief after I hit the send button on my email, but that is not the case just yet.  It was scary typing the letter, and even scarier sending it to my boss.  It takes a lot of courage to back away from a situation like that, especially when you don't know where you are headed next.  I think I felt very comfortable knowing I was getting a nice paycheck every two weeks, had health insurance finally, and wasn't worried about having a job.  But the job itself was driving me into a depression, is that worth it? Is it worth it to be so worked up about work everyday that you are nauseous on the way there, have a hard time getting out of the car in the parking lot, and cry through out your work day?  I don't think that is worth it.  My mentality is worth more than that to me.  It is more important that I am sane enough to help other people, rather than burdening them with my sob stories

I keep asking myself why it was so bad.  Were people mean to you there? Were you bullied? Was the work load too much and you were not prepared to handle it? Were you unprepared from the start and did not realize what you were getting yourself into?  Yes to all of those questions, but on top of that, I am just not the right person for the job.  I carry other peoples emotions with me. I make it my business to try and make other people happy, and I absorb their energies in a way that can either bring me up or bring me down.  At this place there was a lot for me to take on, and I allowed to to bring me down.  Way down. Almost to a place that I was scared to try and get out of. So this has been a good step for me. To get out of this slump and make something better out of it.

It may just be the case that I will not be a teacher just yet. I'm not ready.  I will keep trying though. I will get to where I am supposed to be however that works itself out. When its my time and I am in the right place it will work out for me in all sorts of ways. In life and In love.

Don't Hope So. Know So

"It's understandable to be sad. Take a moment to grieve and recover. It gets better."

My response "OK. I hope so"

"Don't hope so. Know so. You aren't going to die and your world isn't going to end. You are hurting and you need time to recover. But you are not dying and losing your mind. Grieve but put this in perspective. When something becomes our everything and controls our ability to function completely, it is far better for it to be removed from us. No matter how desperately we wish to keep it. Relationships are meant to enhance our lives, not to be the very center of them. You are much more than a relationship. You are more than Burke. You are more than your past and your family. It's seriously time for you to find that person and HER strength.
Think on that. And breath. Don't get lost in grief and miss the big lesson here. You have to believe in Anna and not look for others to verify your value. You are an incredible person and its time for you to begin to examine that."

Hanu Hohonu

Hanu Hohonu - Breathe Deep

Take deep breaths.  Several times a day.  Calm your mind and center your body. Release all of the bad energies that you do not need to be carrying with you. Shake them off and blow them out into the clouds with the exhale of your deep breaths.

Breathe deep is my 2013 resolution.  By the end of 2012 I was so consumed in the downward spiral of my emotions that I forgot to stop and look around, breathe it all in.  I was falling into a despair and was relying on other people to pull me out of it; instead of focusing on myself and how I am the only person who can turn this situation around.  With a crazy, and sad turn of events, I was kicked in the butt to fly home and spend some time with my family on the last day of the year, while also deciding to make the necessary move into a new job.  I will finish out my semester, and put my heart and soul into what I do best, and then I will release all of those negative energies and move on to something new. Something new and better for me mentally and emotionally. 2013 is going to be a good year, I can feel it.  I am going to set up a home base for the first time in years.  This is a good feeling, and I hope I can spread these feelings of hope and joy to those around me.