Using Your Past

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, tucked into bed late at night, and I don't have the internet password yet, nor do I have the charger to my computer. So I decided to look through some pictures. I landed upon these amazing pictures of the camp that I worked at for 6 amazing summers. To be able to hang out with these young lives during the summer when so much learning and love is capable of happening is something that stays with you forever.

You can feel the love

There was this one boy who had a really cool A name that I want to keep in mind for when I have kids. He was Autistic, but on the “high functioning end of the spectrum” as his parents pointed out to me on the very first day of camp. He and his sister were with me for the entire 6 weeks of summer. It was interesting to me, as a studier of education/special education, a recent grad of college and still pursuing my masters, that the mom felt she absolutely needed to point out the high functioning part to me. But looking back now I am so glad that she did. So many people hear the word autistic and will automatically label someone. Boom: He's different and should be treated as such. This boy and I did a lot of hanging out that summer. We had to take some time outs along with some recentering of ourselves in front of the schedule, but boy did I learn the most from him. More than any other child that I have had at camp or taught. Memories of the two of us stick with me to this day, and I reflect on them during different situations to make sure I am being the best person I can be.

I remember one of the final days of summer when we were flying a kite on the grass just having a blast. Instead of being frustrated by the amount of questions, needed precision, and frustration, the two of us hung out and figured it out together. Making that kite fly. That is a choice you know. Patience with a small child. Especially a child who may not be able to turn something off inside and you have to hang on a little bit tighter, a little bit longer before losing your cool.

Mimo and Julian. The best of the best

When I came back for my yearly visit last summer he was in the next group up. It was hard for me to watch another counselor not have as much patience. To not spend that extra moment explaining the schedule and why we had to put on our sun screen and grab our towel in order to go to the pool before yelling at him to hurry up and get moving. That made me want to be a teacher and get in there more than ever. I stood back though.

My Jack.I still wear the bracelet he made me when he was 8

What happened to that drive of teaching? Babysitting tonight I had less patience than ever. I caught myself snapping and being upset at things that normal 5 year olds do. This boy in particular will push things to the absolute limit, so it is quite hard to not lose your cool, but where did my love go? Why can I not hang on just a little bit harder and share my love anymore. I think I am so frustrated deep inside because of this internal dilemma now about teaching. Do I still want to? Am I going to be a kayak tour guide for a long time? I am moving in with my sister Angela in Boston this winter. She asked me if I would nanny for her as she pops her fourth one out. Absolutely. Maybe this summer of kayaking will get me balanced. Will give me a chance to check in with myself. Then I will be able to reconnect this winter. I need to get in the right mind set though first I think. Self reflection get me there and memories of camp keep me strong.