Happiness

I know it has been a while, and I have missed writing. I always think about how much I like to write, and then for the last two months I made conscious decisions not to. Why? I was doing things that made me happy instead. But were they actually making me happy?
Since late August I have had some of the best, most heartfelt, and wonderful times of my life.  And living in those moments for long hours past helped me put aside many things and push the rest to a distant back burner. Sadly, I was allowing my happiness to depend on someone else, which was truly amazing. But what comes out of all that is the realization that I truly need to be happy with myself before I can allow someone else in.  I was caught up and swept off my feet in this wonderful place, somewhere that I would love to go back to, but not before I take care of myself. I need to be able to be happy even when I am alone. Alone. I need to be able to be alone. Its hard even just to write that.
I couldn't be more grateful for my friends.  I have had to put a lot of trust in some of my closest friends this week, dumping my soul onto them while I was crashing. Apparently I was storing a lot inside that all decided to come flooding out over the past week or two, since I left Charleston.  Leaving helps you realize a lot. I realized how much I really care about someone and want them to be a part of my life. I realized how much I loved the house I was living in. I also realized how much I really like the island that I work on, that place is such a safe zone for me.
I know it will be hard for me to get my shit together. It always will be hard, but I know I need to work on it. I keep that in the foreground at all times. If someone or something is hurting you, then you need to let it go. I am letting go the people or things that make me unhappy, its not worth it. I don't want to waste the energy I have thinking about things I can't control or are not something I should be trying to control. I want this pain in my chest to go away. It make my shoulders tense and so hard to breathe.
The hardest thing is realizing that I left a part of me in Charleston. I gave it away without knowing if it will be properly taken care of or if it will be tossed away. Healing takes time, but I have a lot of that here in Boston. All the time in the world for the next 4 or so months.
I know my words are totally scattered. There is a lot that I want to put down, but for now vague is how it will be.
I want to keep my journey. I want to write about it so I can come back, look, and see how I have changed since early November. Emotionally, Mentally, even Physically.
Early November:
Physically in great shape. Eating well, lots of yoga.
Mentally in a good place, know where I am heading and what I am about to take on.
Emotionally a wreck. Total meltdown/breakdowns without warning. Support system being utilized fully, but emotionally alone can't hold myself together for anything. Having a very hard time being alone. Haven't gone 24 hours without crying.
Month 1